You Gotta Have Heart

My body gave out on me last Wednesday. Relieve some of the stress in my life and it said now can we breakdown? Today was the first day in a week that I have been up and moving for more than 2 hours at a time. Not because I felt better but mostly because I had to get on with my life. I go tomorrow back to the doctor to touch base and try to continue to figure out my health issues.

I got a preview of my handsome oldest sons acting and singing part from the play he is in. Every year at the Lions Club Minstrel Show they pick a number from the high schools musical and perform it at the show to promote the musical. This is the second year in a row it has been one of Ian's numbers. It was awesome if I say so myself. I saw the first attempt of this number 2 weeks ago and then again tonight. It is amazing how far they came in just 2 weeks. I can hardly wait to see the whole musical. My baby boy is going to be 17 in a week.

Well I am off to dreamland,I hope,to rest up for another day.

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Teenagers

I just had fun changing the look of my blog so I figured I better write something new.



I hate school vacations. I wish there was a school that I could send my oldest daughter to that goes all year round. If she is unoccupid for any length of time it becomes impossible to control her. I came home from work yesterday to mom guess what was the highlight of my day from sean. He said sara starting his hair on fire. My poor husband was awoken from a sound sleep to "OH MY GOD MY HAIR IS ON FIRE" screams from sean. She says it was an accident and thats suppose to make it all better. She got grounded from going over to her friends house last night. She doesnt understand why. Um if we were not playing with the lighter in the first place like you have been told before the "accident" would never have happened. Then I finally got to sleep last night for the first time in many weeks and was out cold when the dog woke me up whining. This in itself is not unusual she some times need to go out to pee at 3 in the morning but she was acting nervous and whining and wouldnt come in. I thought I maybe should check the kids to make sure everybody was where they belong and sure enough sara was missing. So I went back to bed and went to sleep NOT> I sat up and waited for her to come back. 4:30am if you were wondering what time she snuck back in and I flipped on the light and she yelled at me. "What, I just went for a walk I couldn't sleep." I told her we would talk later as I was too pissed to think straight. She still doesn't understand why she is grounded. Her sense of reality is so out of whack its scary. She seems to think nothing of wandering around at 3 in the morning and that nothing will ever happen to her. And she doesn't understand why I couldn't just go back to bed. Now this is where that hand book would come in real handy right about now. Oh and the remote to pause her when she is yelling f$#@ you at me or my husband. Teenagers I don't know how I am going to survive the next 3 years with her. My husband won the can you top this story at work again last night at least with the hair on fire story. Our children never cease to amazing the lady's he works with. I love her very much and will appreciate her fire and hard headiness when she is 25 and out of the house and I wont have to worry about her but for now deep breath and duct tape.



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Mother

I try so hard to focus on the positives in my day as much as I can but seem to get bogged down in the smothering waves of life's circumstances. I know that I am blessed with 4 wonderful children I can be proud of and that love me and a husband that has been more than patient with me these past 17 years. I also realize that I have come an amazing long way from that suicidal 20 yr old who was so lost and confused. Things are getting better. We will make it through this mess once again and come out the other side a little wiser and a little stronger. Because you know what they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

These rambling thoughts were part of a email I sent back to my mother. She had asked to view my blog and I hesitated to send her the address not sure how she would react to some of the content. She reiterated that she did the best she could with what she had to work with and I understand that. I to on a daily basis do the best I can with what I have to work with and strive to change what isn't working and try a new path. I love my mother very much and I know she loves me too. She mentioned the painful past that she couldn't possible revisit at her age of 73. I don't know much about my mothers childhood or past so I really don;t know what she had to work with her 73 years. I realize I really didn't know much about my fathers life when he was younger either. Didn't really get to know the grandparents or aunts and uncles. Never really had a family outside of the family of 7 Kelly's. Too many secrets buried in the closet. Mom said at her age you can't put off till tomorrow because you don't know if there will be one so each moment of each day is precious. That is very true and I am working hard to do that everyday and feel guilty when I sleep my day away but baby steps baby steps.

things are getting better. we will survive with the love and support of our friends and family. Without them I am nobody going nowhere.

My gratitude 3 list:
1. That I came home to a hot meal prepared by the husband.
2. For my chiropractor.
3. That I am able to work.

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SNOW DAYSSS

I rolled from 3 days of the stomach flu to two snow days in a row. The first day was because of the foot and a half of snow we acquired in a 12 hour period and the second was secondary roads drifting making travel dangerous. I hate days off from school especially when your trapped and can't get out. The children get along for only so long before boredom kicks in and all hell breaks loose. Sara gets bored really easy. Its ugly around here when she does.
We have next week off for February break I am glad I get to go to work three of those days. The kids can kill each other and I don't have to listen. At least they have play practice all week so it will give them something to do away from each other every day.

The snow is amazing, cold but amazing. I was walking in from the barn this morning and the winds had made drifts that looked like a sand swept desert. We haven't had snow like this for many years. Ian and I ventured out to get food to restock and the snow is piled high everywhere. We went from nothing to a winter wonderland. Unfortunately it isn't the right kind of sledding snow yet and is to darn cold to be out there for too long.

WE also had to get Ian's girlfriend her valentines gift and he got her flowers and candy. It is so cute to see him so happy and silly due to the fact there is a girl in his life. He turns 17 in a less than 3 weeks. He gets the majority of mail these days with colleges sending him info. He thinks he know where he wants to go now so we are beginning to check places out. OMG he graduates next year. My baby boy. Okay stopping now don't need to cry today.

So here is my gratitude three list:
1. Warm shelter out of the storm.
2. Food in the cupboards
3. Best friends

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memories

I Got The Chair. Its the Eddie Chair. It no longer went with my sisters
upscale decor in her husbands office so i got the chair. It is odd after all these years to still want his
stuff. To have a chance to feel close to him. The kids have pretty much destroyed most of the "things"
I got after he died and each time it was like losing him all over again. They don't understand why I get so
upset. A dear friend is just starting this journey with the stuff. And it makes you ponder. So I sit at my
computer in Eddies chair and think of him and god knows why miss him.
Thanks for the memories[Sara] its all we have now hold tight.

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BRRRRRRRRRRRR

Winter has finally arrived with a loud
huff and puff. The fury of the wind makes being outside almost unbearable and
alas freezing the pipe to the barn. Now begins the months of dragging water out to
those big furry animals in the barn. We woke up to frozen pipes yesterday morning
but thankfully my handy hubby was able to thaw them out and we are flowing again.
You never really appreciate indoor plumbing till you don't have it for a while.
The kids got their first "snow day" today due to the 20 below wind chill we have going
on today. They were happy campers.

So the challenge of the day is to stay warm and safe.
My gratitude 3 list is as follows;
1. Running water
2. For my eldest son who will help me cart water without complaint.
3. Snow days.

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Gee I don't know which is worse the mammogram I had done today or the 6 teenage girls in my kitchen playing cards and hyping themselves up on chocolate. My baby turned 15 yesterday and is having her yearly sleepover. It should be interesting when my alarm goes off at 5:45am tomorrow morning for swim and work.

Now I wait till Monday when I go in and get the results from all the tests Ive had done over the past two weeks to find out if I am dieing from some rare strange disease or I am just being hit with extreme premenopausal chaos made worse by high stress levels. Of course I am not sick I don't have time to be sick cant afford to be sick.

I need to try and get some sleep tonight silly me. So here is my gratitude 3 list:
1. One last "warm" day before the chill hits.
2. Birthday cake for dinner
3. Loving family that drives me crazy.