Home Sweet Home Kind of!!!

I survived Scout Camp. It was rough and I thought for sure I would be calling home for a ride on Tuesday but I pushed through and had fun in spite of my physical condition. I got to watch my boy small boat sail with his best friend both screaming like girls and having a blast. I visited with counselors that have been there all 5 years I have gone, and I did lots of crafts which I haven';t had time to do in a million years. I also started and finished a book which is a feat all by itself. There is something to be said about being on a schedule and having your meals prepared for you and your boys responsible for clean up. I got to know the wild life up close and personal with my late night walks to the main bathroom and the walk back. Mostly skunks and bunnies.

I am home and exhausted. Now I am resting up for my next adventure, gall bladder surgery. I have scheduled it 3 different times because the first time I did my hubby was working that night at his job that is an hour away and he would have to sleep that day. Well I wasn't thinking and he flipped. I in my ignorance said its no big deal he didn't need to be there Mom or Ian could stay with me. Tears and panic were Dave's response. After the last time he has to be there to make sure I breath. I felt bad and unthinking because i myself have been in denial of what happened after my last surgery because if i wasn't I would have never scheduled this one. So I made it on a day that my husband can be there most of the time and Ian or Mom can fill in where needed. I am just mad because I had to make it on a day that would make me miss my kids lake swim but I made a decision that the husbands peace of mind was more important of the 2 chooses.

A friend of mine who's blog I read religiously wrote about how she hates marriage. That after 16 years things suck and her wife wants a separation. It gave me pause so I asked my husband in the 17 years we have been married did he ever feel like he wanted to leave me. He said he had thought about getting an apartment near his job to get away from the children because he feels they don't respect him and he is a non person here. So I said just the kids not me right and he said yes. I explained why they treat him that way (whole other blog) not that its OK but he could work to change it, it is never to late. I love my husband and he drives me crazy but I don't think I ever have gotten to a point where I would want him to leave. I missed him more when I was at camp than my animals and children combined. I hope that my friends wife figures out what she wants and needs and realizes that marriage is hard and a lot of work but worth the fight because I know my family, kids and hubby, are worth fighting for.

I am getting really frustrated with the recovery from my last surgery. I guess if it had been just a hysterectomy I would be doing much better but add in the bladder and rectal repair and it makes it a longer road. Since I have been home i have been trying to be careful still but I haven't been very smart in that department. To much t o do that hasn;t been addressed in over a month. I am on my third bladder infection I think I have to go back t o the doctor tomorrow and go on antibiotics again grrrrrrr. I was so unrealistic when I figured on having this done. Then add on another 2 or 3 weeks for the gall bladder all I have to say is this is it for a long while and I am going to be all better and a new, happy, energized person. Good thing I have such an understanding employer and that this next chapter works out okay.

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Where did the time go? I looked back and realized I haven't written in here since the 12th. Each day seems to blend into the next around here.

I am excited to be going to camp tomorrow. I was even packed 2 days early which is a record for me. I usually wait till the night before and am packing as we are heading out the door. Not this year I can hardly wait to get out of the house for a few days and not be responsible for cleaning or cooking or yard work that I shouldn't be doing anyway. I still am very tired from just doing small things. But each day is better than the last. I think I totally deluded myself before I had this surgery. I didn't think it could be anywhere near this long and tough road back as it has been. I know it was 2 majors surgery's in one but didn't have a clue what to expect. Should have had an inkling when people said "when its all over it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself". So I am hoping by the 8th of August I will be feeling a lot better just in time to have my gall bladder out. Getting rid of the extra body parts I don't use or are broken I hope I feel like the bionic woman by the time this is over. I am really looking forward to 6 days of just sitting and reading and hanging out at the scout crafts making stuff. I even bought a sketching pad and may try my hand at drawing again.

So its off to fresh air and sun to maybe heal a little faster and feel 100% again. And I hope that the family left behind behaves themselves and takes good care of the critters. My mother-in-law has kindly agreed to come down again this year to keep an eye on the three left home. You would think Dave and I could trust a 17yr old, 15 yr old, and a 11 year old to behave but history tells us no. So that I can not worry and Dave can go to work without worrying she is coming down to tend the wolves in sheep clothing.

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I am getting sick of the teenage selective hearing and I have only just begun. I remember when they were just learning the word NO and what it means and it was sort of cute for a while when they would smile and do it anyway. Well its not funny now. I am seen as being unreasonable because I react to an obvious opposite reaction to NO. Teenagers must live in a world of opposites. Its okay to not follow that rule or this rule as long as you don't get caught. My son has a friend who during the summer pretty much lives at our house. Well that friend can drive now. I remember when I first got my licence and my mom let me take the car to go up to my friend Sara's house to tell her, I almost got into an accident turning left out of my street onto the main road. Well they think I am over reacting when they take off for the park at 7:30pm while I am out picking up a prescription and I come home to them gone. And to top it off they don't walk back through the door till 9:56pm. He isn't suppose to be driving after 9pm and I told them they are no longer allowed to ride with him in the car. "MOM its not that big of a deal". WHAT...........
He broke the law with my kids in the car. And if he can so casually break this traffic law then whats next. I do not think I am over reacting. Show me responsibility and I will trust you to the ends of the earth. Blatantly break the law and say its not a big deal don't you dare tell me I am over reacting. This time of year is the most fatal for new drivers with accidents happening almost daily. It doesn't even have to involve drugs or alcohol just bad judgement and distractions. So forgive me for being over protective of my children I want to watch them grow up and live long miserable lives just like the rest of us.

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Today I am liberated from the evil catheter. Finally my

bladder decided to stop being so darn lazy and start to work.

I pre warned the nurse in the office doing the checking that

they might want to have a sedative ready and a straight

jacket because I couldn't guarantee the reactions if

they once again had to leave it in. Well thank goodness

we didn't have to find out.

I got to go to a family function yesterday. My husbands side

of the family. They were celebrating the baby's first

birthday and anyone else's that happened in the past few weeks.

It was a long painful day but worth every minute. To be in a different

place and talk to several different adults was fabulous! Thank goodness for

pain meds. You don't appreciate the ability to go anywhere you want

when you want till you can't for a few weeks.

I am hoping now that the catheter is removed that recovery will

speed right up and I will be fantastic in time for camp. I have to

behave of course the thing did slow me down and kept me from

over doing it.

It is sooooooo hot I am going to go to the movies with Sara tonight.

Life is good.

ttfn

Food

I just went to the grocery store for the first time since getting home.
Instead of concentrating on some things to mix up my
bland diet I was looking at all the things I can't have. It is amazing
how I took shopping for granted and really didn't have to think to
hard on what I was buying. I am hoping some of these forced
healthy choices stick after I have my gall bladder out because I
have been eating more fruits and veggies, I was never a big one on
those food choices. I miss chocolate the most namely Reeses
Peanut Butter Cups. And I crave things I really never did before
like Ice cream. Only time will tell.

ttfn

SH**

I actually swore at the doctors office yesterday.

I hardly ever let one slip in public but yesterday

was different. As I assumed the postion at the

doctors office and heard the continuos flow of

liquid I knew I wasn't obtaining freedom from the

artifical penis I have been touting for over 2 weeks

now. I took all I had to not break down and sob

hysterically. So thus the uttering of SH**>

I had thought for sure earlier that morning

things were going well down there.

I was very optimistic going in. But then hits the shy

potter goer syndrome. I know that was most of it.

You would think I have had my femininity flaunted in

front of total strangers but I still suffer from public

shyness. So I am stuck with my little friend till at

least Monday and if it follows me home on Monday

just take me directly to the padded room do not pass

go do not collect 200 dollars.

I am just going totally crazy from being house bound

for over two weeks now. I can drive again as soon as I

am off the pain killers but those are still needed to some

extent. I made my husband stop at Walmart on the way

home from my appointment so I could just walk around

and be out of the house a little longer. I hate Walmart

so that tells you how desperate I was. I asked about camp

again and the doctor said sure as long as the catheter is out

and I am very good and don't over do. So if I can avoid a gall

bladder attack between now and then I get to go someplace for

a whole week, change of people, change of scenery I am there.

The girls are off to Stony Brook today to swim and hike and do

some sister bonding,(it doesn't hurt that the boy Sara likes is a

life guard there). I want to goooooooo. I am sooooooo boreeeddd.

Ha Ha I sound like my kids now I understand some of what they

mean. But they have a choose of things they could be doing were

as mine as so limited.

Okay so I will stop feeling sorry for myself and maybe fold some

laundry and make lists for camp.

ttfn

T minus one hour and 30 minutes till I find out if I can
finally be catheter free. It feels different this morning
so I am hopeful. I know it will help move along quicker
when I can go for a walk or move without it.
Then on to the next surgery. The general surgeon
told me on Tuesday I have to have my gall bladder out.
Now I have to decide when. Sooner than later. Depends
on a few different things. Do I want to get the recovery
done all at once or wait till I feel a little better from this last
adventure? Do I still have a shot to go to summer camp with
Sean or is that a pipe dream? I will better be able to decide
after seeing the doctor at 1:30pm today. This is ending up
ruining my whole summer I am looking forward to having
some fun in August.

I wish I could send my poor husband on a vacations doing
something he has always wanted to do. He has been through
the ringer these past few weeks. Nothing like going from hardly
any contact with the daily goings on to right into the fire. He is
frazzled but has learned what really goes on around here on a
daily basis. He deserves a break.

Well I need to get ready for the doc and keeping my fingers
crossed the good side begins today.

ttfn

We finally got some rain. It has been so dry here.
We didn't realize how bad till we tried to dig a
grave for the dog. The very next day it rained and
it is like spring again with the grass coming out
of rest mode and the corn growing about a foot in an
hour. Thanks Gracie for sending the rain.
The sadness is abating it comes and goes as all sadness
does. Henry and I took a stroll down to the creek to
visit Gracie this morning. Henry isn't reacting as
badly as I thought he would but poor little Tilly wouldn't
eat yesterday and just sat on the couch and looked sad.
The Kitten was able to pull her out of herself this morning
with a wrestling match worthy of the WWF. Life goes on,
sadness lessens.

Why do we continue to get pets anyway? My husband with
tears in his eyes said no more. Just because this one is gone
no going out and getting a puppy. That is my usual M.O. Not
anymore. Not to worry. For now we have the perfect amount
and then some to handle and I won't be the one. Now Sara on the
other hand we have to watch, she is following in my footsteps
the way I use to be when I was her age. In more ways than one.

God Bless America and Happy Birthday too!
ttfn

So one isn't enough

Went today for my follow up from my gall bladder attack last week with the surgeon and I have to have it removed. Gee what a surprise. The only control I have is the when. He suggested soon than later depending what my other doctor says on Thursday when I go to get my catheter out for good hopefully. See I really want to still go to Boy Scout Camp. Call me crazy but I enjoy the time spent with just Sean and hanging with my friend Barb for a whole week. And that has been what has helped with everything going on concentrating on that goal and getting better. But everybody keeps popping my bubble saying you aren't going to be ready by then. Oh shut up and thanks for nothing. So I will know on Thursday if my chances of going are slim I will have my surgery next week so I can heal from both at the same time and get it over or if I will wait till I get back from camp. Once again to be continued same bat time same bat channel.

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Whats behind door #2

I wanna know whats behind door #2 because I don't like whats behind the door I choose. I was reading my friends blog and she is on the beach in Maine which sounds really good right now even the way I feel.

My husband has to do the deed tonight. We have a dog that has been in decline over the past few years and its time to take her to be put to sleep. This is a dog thats con's far out weigh her pro's but the kids are attached and so is my hubby. I will cry I am sure because she has been part of our lives for 8 years but for the total animal person I am I never really developed a bond with this one. First and only animal this has ever happened with for me. But of course she was devoted to me and took extreme measures to escape from the back yard just to be with me in the barn or go on a trail ride with me. That part I will miss, her compaiionship on the trail. So the hole is dug and the appointment is for 6 tonight and the youngest won't know till after she is brought home to rest. I am emotionally dry.

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Stop This Ride I wanna Get OFF.

Some one was talking about Karma the other day. The concept of what goes around comes around. Well I can't in my wildest dream remember doing anything that bad to have it come around and bit me in the ass so hard. I was holding it together pretty good for the fact I stopped breathing after my surgery, had to come home with the catheter from the hospital, ended up in the emergency room 2 days after coming home from the hospital with a gall bladder attack, and my horse who I had just started to work with came up lame the same day. I said I felt I was being a pretty good sport and was choosing laughter over hysteria. But not being able to eat much of anything and getting only sleep in maybe if I am lucky 3 hour slots have begun to wear me down. I was suppose to get my catheter out on Friday guess what, I still have it till next Thursday. At least I got to feel half human for a morning, still trying to find the positive. Then I got a call this morning that my test came back positive for a UTI and have now added yet another nausea causing med to add to the other three I am already taking. Top that all off getting up at 530 am this morning and trying to eat something so I can take all the meds I need to take and ended up doing the one thing I had thankfully avoided doing, throwing up in the kitchen sink which of course was full of dirty dishes. So I preceded to do the dishes, hay the horses and do a load of laundry. With the husband is going back to work tonight and the kids who have been doing only the minimal help around here we kicked their butts out of bed for a family meeting. I cannot being doing those things so if they are done I won't be able to. Hope fully they didn't hear the blah blah blah and will step up and stop being such selfish little pains. I am sliding over the laughing line to the hysteria line and don't want to prolong this agony any longer so they better. And I still have my appt on Tuesday with the surgeon to discuss my gall bladder.

If they could only react like my little sister has we wouldn't have any problems.
She freaked about the whole stop breathing thing and has been calling almost every day to check in. She called the other day when Dave and I took our out of control teenage daughter to a meeting with an old/new therapist and Megan told her don't know where they are daddy took mommy somewhere. Well panic ensued she called our mom who of course didn't know anything and then she called my in laws and talked to Al, if Pat had been there she knew what was up,but he didn't know anything either. I called Lulu back and she answered the phone with a panic voice and I told her to breath I was fine so to speak. She has taken over the mother roll of worrying about me. It sucks it takes something like this to have more contact with my sister but its nice to talk to her on a regular basis again.

As I enter the second week home from the hospital I am not anywhere near what I thought I would be physically and the boredom and frustration is overwhelming me.
But I keep focusing on the end result of all this and having my health back and feeling better than ever.

ttfn