ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Help me I think I am a sleepaholic.
I should have been a bear or maybe I was one in my past life. When it
gets dark early and its so damn cold all I want to do is sleep. Crawl into my
warm bed and sleep. There are millions of things that could be done around
here but unless its in your face important I sleep. I had been doing better
the past few years this time of year. Not as much of the seasonal depression
dragging me down but this year it has creeped back to bite me in the ass.
It is sooooo frustrating. I hope this drug the doctor put me on starts to work
soon and gives me more energy to work with. I have to function there is no
doubt about that. Places to go, people to meet, work to do, bills to pay. I continue
to trudge forward for now hoping the test the doctor ran shows something and
that my mammogram on Thursday shows that it was just an infections. Then maybe
a little of the pressure will be removed for now. I sleep to escape and avoid the
smothering pressure of life right now. So all I can do is try and release the pressure
where I can for now and hope I don't get crushed.

My gratitude 3 list,
1. For my kids they are my reason for life. [even when they are fighting over a computer game]
2. food on the table
3. for my patient hubby
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SOUP!

The past two nights Sara and I have made soup.

Not from a can like we usually do but real

homemade soup starting from scratch. The weather

has been perfect for it the past few weeks and it

is so good and healthy. After my doctors appointment

I promised myself I would try and eat better and

make my kids do the same. Plus I get the extra bonus

of spending time with my teenage daughter which is

rare these days between boyfriends, friends, school

and sports and now the play. The dogs are happy we

made soup also because we started with a soup bone and they got a treat

when the soup was done.

So I will once again end with my gratitude 3 list:

1. For good food to eat.

2. Healthy family so far.

3. My clean kitchen.

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I was reading the book "Five People You Meet In Heaven" and came upon a paragraph that

stood out to me. It read and I quote "All parents damage their children.

It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints

of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter

childhood completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."

I hope that I am a smudgier. Lately though I am not so sure.

I love and adore my kids and try not to be my father or mother.

But some times due to health and stress the ugly has come out more and more.

I of course apologize as soon as possible but the damage is done.

I am working hard at getting the glass clean and keeping it clean.

Trudging through right now is all I can do and trying to fix the damage as I

go along. The book was excellent and gave food for thought that

each of us touch peoples lives that we don't even realize.

Hopefully leaving a positive path to heaven.

So here is my gratitude 3 for this blog:

1. That I have a warm place to be in this very cold weather, for now.

2. That I have such wonderful family and friends that keep me breathing.

3. That I have medical insurance so I can pursue what is ailing me.

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Farewell Mighty Maple Tree!!!!!!

This is what remains of

the mighty maple tree

with the storm window frame

in it.

If you have ever been to our

home especially when we first

bought it it was one on the

points of interest when getting

the tour. The storm window frame

made it look like something out

of the wizard of oz. No one remembers

how it got there or when but it was

there none the less. The tree slowly

started to die piece by piece over the

9 years we have been here. The storm

window frame rotted away around year #6.

We even had people ask where it went..

The tree was finally cut down last spring

by the state road crews to make way for the

widening of the road. I tried to count the

rings and would have to say that the tree was

well over 100 years old.It is sad to see it go

but it will be recycled into fire wood and used to

warm our home.

Winter is finally here in NY!

The skiers are cheering!

The rest of us kind of got

use to the 40 and 50's it

has been up till now.

Oh well I choose to live in a

four season state.

A friend of mine sent me a

bunch of photo's of redneck

inventions and said it made her think

of me. Not sure how to take that!

But I will take it and enjoy the view.

The view I see every morning when the sunrises

and every evening when the sunsets.

And it is never the same.

Every season brings different and more

spectacular sunrises and sunsets.

Then there is the rainbows after a spring rain.

And at night a walk to the barn is

like being up with the stars.

Not to mention the full moons that

light up like its daytime.

I live in a beautiful area and am blessed

with my own little spot of heaven.

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I get a hooray instead of 50 lashes with a wet noodle today. I finally took a big step and went to the doctor. Not the doctor I have been going to since I was 14. I would go and be the good patient and not complain and not talk about half the stuff that was going on because "It wasn't important". I took the recommendation of a good friend and went to a PA at a new practice near to our home. She was a person, a real person. It was refreshing to talk about problems going on and not feel like I was being brushed off and not heard. It took my boob feeling like it was falling off to push me to do it but what ever it takes I guess. Ian is proud of me and can finally stop bugging me to make an appointment. I did, I did, I did. Now I am taking steps to help my body to deal with all this stress going on in a positive way maybe.
I am going to be busy doing tests etc. over the next few weeks. I have to go for a fasting blood draw and I am going to wait till Monday so my hubby can do it for me. I love it because he is so good and doesn't hurt me, he on the other hand isn't happy lol oh well.
I also did an above and beyond for Sara tonight. She has a friend and this friends mother and I were "friends" or so I thought until she stabbed me in the back about a year ago. Now I have had little or no contact with this women for this whole time and enjoyed it. Seeing her in her car on the street or passing her at a school event was overwhelming. So Sara wants to sleep over at her friends house and I have to speak to a parent before this happens so I had to enter the spider web and speak to the evil spider. I survived amazingly. I guess I have to get use to close contact. All three of her kids are in the play and three of mine are also in it. So for the next few months It will be unavoidable.
I also did something that amazed most everybody I actually asked my brother if he had 160,000 I could borrow and I would pay him back 1000 a month for 14 years. He said he couldn't but at least I asked.
Hopefully I can start to feel better physically so I can handle this stress better and not abuse my body so badly. Time will tell for all of it. Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Ending again with my gratitude 3 list:
1. That I was able to take care of myself final and get the medications to help me to feel better.
2. Having the courage to change.
3. Chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Damn Yankee's Look out here comes the O'Briens

The waiting begins. There was try outs for the spring musical tonight and 3 of my 4 kids tried out. I was amazed and proud of my daughter Sara. She said she was only going to do back stage but she stayed up last night after everyone was in bed looking up the lyrics to the songs from the musical and then going out in the wood shed and practicing. She never ceases to amaze me. So thus begins 2 months of craziness times 3. Stay tuned to this Bat Channel for further developments.

I wish my life was a play and I was the author, then maybe I would feel I had more control over the crap that keeps flinging my way. It seems we just stand up and steady ourselves and bam taken, out at the knees. I took a step today and called a new doctor in the area to see if I could switch from the one I've been seeing since I was 14 and is an hour away. Sorry not taking new patients. Keep looking I guess. Wanted to drive my car into a telephone pole yesterday when the doors wouldn't shut. Really wanted to get drunk. If I had maybe I could have taken care of both at the same time. I haven't written in a while because I have been ending with gratitude 3 list and have been having a real hard time coming up with any. Guess I need to start wear those boots with the straps again so Its easier to pull myself up huh.

Okay here goes my best try at a gratitude 3 list:
1. that I have 4 very talented children.
2. that my hubby loves me no matter what
3. that I didn't get drunk today.

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21 Good Things to Live By

Someone sent this in an email to me! It makes so much sense and is so simple. Why don't we do it?

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
I do this one at every job I've ever held. But I find that I am the exception to the rule. The people and businesses I have contact with are few and far between that follow this motto.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
I have found this to be so true in my relationship.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
I am learning not to believe everything I hear and try to find out first hand before jumping to conclusions, I definitely spend to much time sleeping my life away, and I don't have much to spend these days.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
It takes me a long time to be able to say I love you to anybody. I only save this for my family and true friends.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
I hopefully try not to have to say I'm sorry but when I do i mean it.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
oops goofed on this one. Having a child out of wedlock and marrying 3 months later I guess doesn't count.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
I do I married it.

EIGHT. Never laugh at any one's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
I have found people can do amazing things.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
Cant even add to this one.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
I try hard to do this but some times anger doesn't let you.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
Thank goodness my hubby didn't judge me by mine.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask "Why do you want to know"?

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
This I would definitely like to see done in our society more these days, I can think of one person who runs this country that should follow this more closely.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
With the few real friends I have I work hard to not let a little thing get in the way. Communication!!!!!!

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a m mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Amen and pass the shovel.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
I have spent allot of time on the phone with different things lately and I find this works.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Oh I wish lol..

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I am so exhausted. I just got back from one of the best swim meets Ive been too in a long time. The boys did amazing and we ended up tied with the other team 93 to 93. If it wasn't for the stupid call by an official we would have won but it would have been worse to lose after the bad call.

I had one of my more productive days today. I didn't crawl back into bed after the kids left for school. I stayed up and got stuff done. It doesn't happen very often these days but I feel so warm and fuzzy when it does. And I really needed warm and fuzzy for at least part of the day or go entirely insane.

I took my youngest boy to the doctor to get his asthma meds checked and to make sure everything is going OK with them. I was a little concerned that he needed to use his inhaler to much during basketball practice. He was using it to much and the doctor told him to try to just do it before and get through practice not using it again. The kid is a tank and continues to increase his weight every time I take him to the doctor. I don't get it. He is doing sports and working out more than he ever did before but continues to gain weight. We will have to start paying attention to what goes into his body and stop the gain before even more problems arise.

Well I have to convince myself to stay awake a little longer so I can take my hubby to work. So I will finish up with my gratitude 3 list
1. That I was able to be productive today.
2. That all four of my kids are home and safe in their beds.
3. That I have a home.

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yeah ellen!!! I am watching the peoples choice awards and ellen just won for favorite talk show host. she is the only one I watch if I am home at the right time.

TV never ceases to amaze me. Between the reality tv that is totally out of hand and the commercials for male enchancment I don't know which is worse. I remember when I was younger you couldnt even show underwear or god forbid a tampon on tv.
My how things have progressed.

Its snowing finally here but will only be fleeting because the temp is going to go up again this weekend. Its pretty while it last.

Well I am off to drive the hubby to work so here is my graditude 3 list:
1. That I have the sight to see and the lungs to yell at my sons swim meet.
2. That I found chocolate in my mommy draw when i really needed it tonight.
3. That I made it to work without sliding off the road.

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Just another Monday in paradise. We are finally getting snow tonight. Its a blizzard out there. I can hear all the snow skiers and boarders yelling woohoo.

I got to spend "quality time" with my hubby this morning. Its been a long time since we have spent uninterrupted time together. I had to pick him up from work after swimming this morning and he took me out to breakfast and we chatted and held hands like we were dating again. Of course our conversation was a little different then when we were first dating but hey it was nice. We really need to etch out more "quality time" together we both crave it but never seem to get it. Something always gets in the way.

The rest of the morning was spent sleeping for me. I fell deep asleep until 1:45pm and woke with a start. I think I could sleep 24 hours. It is a good thing I have important things to do and people to take care of. I have had no energy for the longest time and now my memory is playing games with me. I feel old. I did manage to get up and at least clean up the house and get my barn chores done before having to pick up and drop off children at asundery activities. Of course I didn't make any of the phone calls I needed to today like the doctor or eye doctor or touch base with the mortgage company. Tomorrow is another day.

Okay so I am ending here with my gratitude 3:
1. Quality time spent with my hubby.
2. A clean house.
3. The fact that I don't have to drive my hubby to work tonight.

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SELFPORTRAITFITTING

This weekend seemed to fly by quite quickly. I finally got to attend one of my daughters indoor track meets and it was quite interesting.
I got to see all three of the events she was in and some of those kids are quite fast on their feet. Sara almost cleared 7 feet in the pole vault. She cleared both the 6 foot and 6 1/2 in one try each but then had to go run 4 times around the track for her relay before returning to try for 7 feet. On her second try she almost did it but just caught it with her butt. She was quite excited about it.

My hubby continues to come in handy as my hot handy man. The water heater decided to die on Wednesday so my hubby came home Thursday, decided not to wait for the local company to come out on Friday and went out and bought and installed a new tank all by himself. I guess i will eventually have to pay for all this wonderful work he is doing around here. He has been wonderful.

Of course during the installation which always is accompanied by swearing, the phone rings with info about the appraisal and what comes next. It sucks no surprise it just goes along with all the other shit going around here.

I think I am going to finally break down and go to the doctor some time this week and get things checked out again. Hair still falling out, periods out of control, getting every flu that comes down the pike, and just feeling general crappy and tired all the time. The biggest thing that is freaking me out though is my memory. It is gone lately and is becoming one of those frustrating things that I can't ignore.

Well I have to go brave the cold to drive my hubby to work so here is my gratitude 3,
1. That we have hot water and I was able to take a bath for the first time in a long time.
2. That tomorrow is another day.
3. Everybody is healthy and safe.

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Sunrise, Sunset

The drive home from work was beautiful tonight. We had one of those sunsets that had so many different colors, depths and formations to it and not just on one side of the sky it was the whole space.
Add to that Fiddler on the Roof being sung at the top of my lungs and it was a nice end to an otherwise banner day at work numbering 6000 pages of documents.

The files that I was numbering made me grateful for my healthy mostly happy children. It would be fine if I didn't stop to read some of these files but it is so damn boring I can't help myself. There are a lot of kids out their that due to just being born to certain people their lives are doomed. There are a lot of fucked up, pardon my french, adults that are making some little peoples lives awful. Some of these children have more crap happen to them in their short lives than most adults ever experience in a life time. It makes me sad. I experienced some of this in person when I worked in the cafeteria. There were certain children that just stuck out. Ones you knew that your kindness and smile was probably one of the few they saw from adults in their lives. My kids have no clue how wonderful their lives are.

I have been trying to keep a positive outlook. I have been the duck in the marriage more times than not. My good friend asked me this morning, after seeing my hair shorter again, what the hell is up with you. You don't usually let things get to you like this. What stress other than just life is there going on? My answer is yes its normal stress but it keeps smacking me in the face on a daily basis. I can handle things here and there no problem but when things hit boom boom boom and some of them big with no solution in site it kinda makes a girl tired and bald [haha]. My hubby who has lost both his vehicles in one week and just took a cold shower before work because the water heater decided this was a great time to die is the duck. The kids would have been learning new swear words if I had gone to take my nightly shower and gotten cold water. Good thing I don't mind the smell of horse. Thanks for taking the bullet for me honey. Well at least I chose going out to the barn and hanging with the horses over going to the store and buying something to make me numb for a few hours.

I am going to start to name at least 3 things I am grateful for at the end of my pages from now on if I can.
1. My wonderful Family and friends they keep me afloat.
2. Even though they are pains my children they are my reason for being.
3. being able to enjoy beautiful sunsets.

Off to bed it has been one of those 19 hour days and I am pooped.
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Furry Critters part 2

This is my sweet boy Henry.

He has been my shadow for the

past 9 years!

He was the first new addition to the family

when we moved in here in January 1998!

He was a sweet little furry ball weighing in

at a mere 5pounds. He looked like a little bear cub!

He was easy to train and house break and had fun

pestering his big sister Chelsea.

The running joke in the house is when someone asks

where is mom the answer is where is Henry.

He is always waiting

outside what ever door I have gone through.

He sleeps by my bed at night and protects me from

what ever tries to come into my room even my Hubby.

He is a tolerent big brother to his little sister Tilly.

He could easily bite her in half, he being 85 pounds and Tilly

is only 18 pounds but he plays gentle when she is

biting his mouth and legs.

My sweet unconditionally loving Henry boy.

It doesnt seem like 9 years have past. It seems just

like yesterday when he was knocking Sean over in the snow

trying to herd him around the yard. But of course

Sean is older and bigger now too.

He is the perfect example of unconditional love, patiences

and friendship.

Henry!