Time

I finally got to see my daughter pole vault up close for the first time today. Usually I am late and miss her vaults but I got to see her clear 7'6" and come in second. It was awesome. Sean has his first track meet next Wednesday and he is excited to do shot put and discus. I am so glad that my kids are doing the sports and activities. I am proud of their efforts.
I spent the whole day down and out with a migraine and was lucky to get up to make it to Sara's meet.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven't been up to anything lately having no energy to even post on the blog. Mostly because my brain is mush lately and to think of something intelligent to write is well unavailable. I haven't even been able to drag myself to swimming which was my only good thing I did for myself on a constant basis. Thus explains the regaining of 15 pounds I fought so hard to lose. I am hoping after I have my surgery I can start anew and lose the rest and more. I just have to get over the stress of not working for maybe a month and a half and not getting a paycheck for that long. I definitely won't miss the job which totally sucks but I will miss the paycheck.

I did get to go for a ride for the first time this year and it felt great. It was only a short one but it was a reminder that there is more to come now that the weather is warmer. I just have to get Megs pony ready to ride and she can finally go with me and I know it will make her day. We are also going to hopefully train my horse pictured above this year with a little help from a friend. So I am hopeful that I can figure out the exhaustion soon so I can enjoy my summer and not sleep through it.

Well I better sign off I am going to try to go swimming tomorrow morning.
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Snow Day

We had a snow day yesterday. The 16th of April and we had a snow day. No such thing as global warming my Aunt Franny. Of course I was suppose to go for my ultrasound to get the ball rolling for the hysterectomy and then I made an appointment to have a massage after to spoil myself. Both had to be canceled because of the snow day. I am just so tired. I can't seem to keep up with everything around here and it makes me so frustrated. Of course the kids are no help they just add to the mess and not subtract anything from it. I of course am to blame for that because it was always easier to do it myself because then it would get done and done right. Now I am paying the price.

I fight every day to make myself live and move. I am so tired. I hope that when the sun finally comes back it will pump me up. I haven't had to fight this much in a very long time. But one day at a time I am checking things off the list to make my health a little more bearable and hopefully I will come out the other side a new woman.

I am hoping going back to swimming tomorrow will help. I haven't been able to swim the past 3 weeks due to weather, health and vacation. Off to bed 5;45 comes awful damn early.

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I Hate Laundry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Mount Washmore in the basement and the pile keeps growin

deeper, deeper every day. And I don't believe it will ever

go away"

Doug and Gary the happy pirate

I can't seem to keep up with the laundry these days. I usually do a load or two a day one in the morning when I get up and let the dogs out and one at night before I hop into bed. At some point I got behind due to what ever reason and have been playing catch up ever since. Well at least I have the silly Doug and Gary song to help make me smile every time I walk into the back room.

I can't seem to keep up with anything these days. The kids are home this week so I am making them do chores everyday to help me keep up. What is that you say don't they do them all the time. Should shouldn't they. Well its the same old story of it has always been easier to do it myself than to fight with them and now I am paying for the stupidity of my past. Lazy teenagers. Well if my surgeries happen as planned they will find out just how much mommy does around here and how easy they have had it so I am taking this week to hopefully get them in the swing. Sean has already offered to help with the laundry.

Okay its past 11 and I need to be in bed so I am going to be good and sign off. Tomorrow hopefully I get to get back into the routine of meeting my hubby for breakfast once a week so we can connect as a couple. We have both had a hell of a few weeks health wise and need to just breath where we can.

My gratitude 3 list which I have also neglected is as follows.

1. Finally finding doctors who listen.

2. That there is only 4 more days of school vacation.

3. That the sun shined today.

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Madopause

Are we having fun yet? I finally got to the doctor to talk
about my symptoms of menopause and almost chickened out again.
It was a younger version of the doctor I went to see 2 years
ago. One I could barely understand what she was saying and when
she asked a question she was saying ah um before I finished responding
to her question. But instead of shutting down and saying what ever I
had a menopausal meltdown which have become more frequent lately. I said look
I am going on 46 years old and I do not want to take birth control pills.
I have tried the antidepressant route to no avail. My mother and sister had
similar problems at this age and they both had it removed and swear by it.
What do we need to do to get it ripped out. She paused and said well if that
is the way you want to go there are a few things we have to do. So I go the 16th for
an ultrasound which I hear is loads of fun then a partial D&C a week later. Then hopefully in the near future I can have my sanity back before I totally scar my youngest child. I had one of those crying jags yesterday that I couldn't stop.
Poor Megan was beside herself. I said I was ok etc. but yeah right mom you are crying hysterically your not fine. I tried to explain what was going on without scaring the shit out of her about the blessed event of menstruation. It doesn't help that I threw my back out yesterday morning and my arm is getting worse to add to the insanity factor known as my life. Then the topper of the vacation and it only started yesterday is my Dumb ass son went and got his lip pierced. Yes you heard me.
My husband is going to have a cow when he sees it. I don't even want to be in the same state. Ian's prom date blew him off earlier this week for another boy. It wasn't a big surprise but still hurt like hell anyway. So to act out on his feelings he went and did this. My husband doesn't ask much of these kids but has made it clear that self mutilizantion for ornamentation is not allow and you can do what ever you want when you are out of the house and paying your own bills. I cant ever do calgon take me away because I don't have a tub to soak in. God help us all. Megan wasn't happy with her older brother either. She doesn't like the ring and thought it would change her big warm fuzzy brother. She was pouting in her room and you will never guess who was concerned about her feeling that way and came down and gave me a talking to. She has feelings and cares about her sister. I knew it I just never have seen her show it so strongly before.
I wish I could find Ian the most beautiful girl to take to prom to make the bitch jealous but I have to let Ian take care of it himself. I did though tell him that she is walking around thinking that he is ok with the situation and he needs to let her know how he feels and not let her get away scott free on the emotional plain.
Well The hubby will be home soon so I think I will go back to bed so I don't have to see him I will hear soon enough when he sees the ring. Anybody have a spare bed room for me.
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Rewards

This was my reward for getting up early on Saturday Morning to

let the horses out. It was amazing to see and was the only part of the day

that you could call beautiful. I have found you have to notice these things to remain

sane. To remind yourself that your life isn't all crap.

Today was an amazingly beautiful day in sun and warmth. I spent quality time outside hanging with the horses and brushing them and giving them a good scratch. They are shedding like crazy I think I was hairy then them by the time I was finished. I am so looking forward to the continued good weather and to be able to ride again. Now if I can only get my health to cooperated. I am finally going tomorrow for my gyno appointment to discuss what is going wrong with my health. I am going to be assertive and ask for what I need. I have started my list of things to say and will finish it tomorrow before I go. Megan was out with me and is ready to ride her new pony as so as we get the round pen set up and we get her a saddle. Horses and riding are the one thing in my whole life that has always brought me happiness. Some people think I am crazy when i say going out to the barn and shoveling horse poop is relaxing and enjoyable to be. Smelling the horse scent and just burying your face in their mane or getting a " Kiss" with horse breath is the best sanity medicine I know for me at least. So when life gets down and crazy a quick trip to the barn usually helps set me straight for a little while that and the chiropractor lol.

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