The full force of yesterdays
events hit me as I was walking
out to the barn this morning.
I haven’t had that type of chest
crushing panic and emotion hit
me that hard in a very long time.
I am basically an insecure
person as it is but what little
security I had has been put in
question.

I wish I could write what happened
and how I am feeling right now but
I can’t. One is because it is a mish mash
of emotion still and the other is
it involves my hubby and he reads
my blog. I am not as brave as
a friend of mine who can write
what she feels most of the time
in her blog without concern as
to who reads it but I am not
there yet.

I have to “survive” this just
like I always do.
But with hope that the big
white farting elephant in
the living room is exposed
enough now to be addressed.

Love, peace and rockin roll.

ttfn

lunar madness

I am always amazed that when I come
here to write and read what I last wrote
it is usually a week or more in between.
Where does the time go.

We are half way through our vacation
week and I am hoping we will survive
the next few days. I am still working
this week and have been doling out
chores etc. to keep the kids busy and
to make it less stressful when I get home.
I didn't even get home before it hit the
fan.

I stopped at my office after an all day
workshop for work and saw there was
2 missed calls from home so I called to
check in. It was the hubby that had called.
Sean said he was really pissed and down at
the library waiting for the girls to show up
there. It seems that they waited till daddy
left to go pick up the boys to write a note
stating they were going on a walk in the woods
and then down to the library. If you know us you
know where we live and it was cold today 20 degrees.
So of course I went right to the library to
see what the heck was going on and the girls
were just walking down the sidewalk heading
for the library. It was just one in a couple of
selfish moves on the children's part and here it
was 4:30pm and hubby usually is in bed by 1pm.

Cut to the end when we all arrived home to a sit
down chat about how mad he was and how selfish
the kids were for a change. I piped up that this would
have been another perfect example of where a cell
phone would have come in handy on many fronts.
Well that took the focus off the kids and onto the
money which is never good. Cars dieing, roof leaking,
need heating oil don't have money for cell phones.
We will see I am going to check it out tomorrow and
get a bottom line to present to the hubby and Ian and
Sara are willing to pay the 10 a month for their phones.

Oh well tomorrow is my day off so Dave doesn't have to
worry about carting the kids around so hopefully it will
be a less stressful day.

Well I am headed outside, yes, outside to put the ponies
to bed and check out the progress of the eclipse of the moon.
The last time I saw a lunar eclipse was at my friend Sara's
house and it was quite the party.

ttfn

Tired so tired. I made the mistake of sitting down and checking my email instead of keep moving, I am in big trouble. I still have to drop off and pick up Ian from work, go for the 8th grade transition meeting to 9th grade with Sean and then pop into scouts for a little bit to pick stuff up. Then I get to come home and clean stalls and put my babies to bed.

I worked on Monday which is usually my day off. It was fun I subbed in the attendance office at the school. I will never make fun of or get mad at the attendance officer ever again and will call my child in if they are home sick. I will probably get called for tomorrow also unless they found someone to fill in for the rest of this week. I am getting the feel of what it would be like to work "Full" time hardee har har. I don't know how women do it all. I am to old and tired.

Off to the second half of my day.

ttfn

It is another cold windy Sunday
afternoon on the hill. The
boys and Megan are upstairs
playing a game and Sara is
sitting right next to me on the
computer. It is so comforting to
know that they are all safe and
occupied in activities that are
not detrimental to their health.

It was a nice quiet week for the
kids. The most exciting thing was
Sara getting her permit to drive
A CAR. Thank goodness the
weather hasn’t been that great
or she would be driving me crazy to
go driving.

It was my turn for trauma this week.
Tuesday our new mortgage kicked in
which is a fantastic thing but….
Had a meeting at work with the boss
That was avoided for an extra week
because of the weather and it didn’t go well
so the effort to find another job is in high
gear before I leave this one in an unadult
manner. Then the washer died. You never
realize how much laundry you do until you
can’t do it. We went out yesterday and
bought a new washer with money we
don’t have for a change.
The topperis my stupid car.
They finally figured
out what is wrong and of course it is
one of the worse things possible so
I am driving it till it dies and we will
go from there. Hopefully it won’t be
in the middle of nowhere in weather
like today but who knows with my luck
lately.

Well at least the things that happen
in threes rule is over with the
above items so maybe I will be
okay for a while.

Football

I just spent most of my evening

watching a game I use to avoid

watching at all costs. But I figure

the next four years I will be going to

and watching football so I might

as well get use to it and learn all

I can about it. Plus it was fun

watching Sean getting all worked

up and excited about his team

winning. Well not his first choice

of teams but he felt he should root

for the home team in this one.

Yesterday was tough both on Ian

and me. The disappointment I felt

sitting there and hearing my sons

name announce for an event yet

knowing he wouldn't be standing

on that block getting ready to swim

his heart out. I am so angry at both

of them for taking one of my lasts away

from me. Leaving in its place a painful

memory. But I love them deeply and I am

glad they are here for me to be mad at.

Tomorrow starts a new week and a

new chapter that hopefully will be a

boring read for a little while. Then maybe

I can concentrate on taking care of myself

and doing the things I have been neglecting

for too long.

ttfn

Over shadowed by all the stuff going on was that Sara turned sweet 16 on thursday. Permit bound on monday god save us all.
ttfn

HAPPY GROUNDHOGS DAY!!!!!
He saw his shadow six more
weeks of winter it is to be!

On More time WHY DID WE HAVE CHILDREN???

Once again I am asking myself
the questions why did I give up
drinking and then have kids?

I should be walking out the door
in an hour to drive to watch my
son swim in probably his last meet
of his highschool career. His last
chance to qualify for sectionals.
Instead I will be going to watch
his team try and make up for the
fact that 4 of their team mates
made a poor decision and can't
swim for the points they would
have needed to win. The other 3
boys already qualifed for sectional
and will be swimming again in 2
weeks since the suspension will be
over by then. But Ian is done.
And the kicker of it all is that he
had already shaved his face and
head before finding out he was done.

His sister is missing a meet today as well.
But she has a few more in the season so
her plite is not as bad.

They have pretty much blown it this time.
For the rest of their time here at home they
won't be going anywhere or doing anything
without major research on my part. And that
is the funny thing about this time. I felt I had
done what I needed to do to make sure they
were doing what they said they were doing and
yet once again........ I am removing the sucker
sign from my forehead for good.

They are good kids like everybody keeps
telling me but they keep making bad
choices and one of these times those
choices will end badly. I had past ghosts
brought back to full force after this one.
Past could of, should of, desicions from
a million years ago.

So they are both on a very short leash and
were told that if I ever find out about any
drinking or drug use thier asses will be in
a treatment facility so fast their heads won't
have time to spin. The trust has been shattered
so badly this time I am afraid it will take quite
a long time if ever to get back.

The extremes this week could not have been more
extreme. On the plus side Thursday we went and
signed all the papers to get out of the mortgage
mess and it will all be final Tuesday. And
Dave came home that morning flying high after his
evaluation because he not only scored the highest he
could for the merit raises, ( which unfortunatly they
aren't getting this year but will help next year if they
do) but he got a large increase for his yearly raise.
Its will help defer some of the lost income from his
lost per diem job and give him time to look for
another position. I guess his profession is a dieing
one so they are trying hard to keep the ones they
have from jumping ship and going elsewhere.

Well I am off to shower and head out hopefully
being able to keep myself composed and supportive.
Wish me luck.

ttfn