Horse Whisperer

I have read a lot of books on techniques of training horses with different methods. Today I got to see first hand some of those techniques performed right in front of me with my horse Izzy (picture above). The man that is helping me is the farrier that my friend put me in touch with. He is amazing. He is a talented young man and is helping me for the sake of helping me. I don't think I could afford him if he charged me. We just started working with her a week ago and he is coming back next week and is talking about working her under saddle already. He said that Izzy is a very smart girl and the fact that I worked her almost everyday last week we got a gold star at our second class. So much of my life right now is dragging me down it was so nice to have something to be excited about for a change. To be able to pop into my dream world of horses for a little while is better than any therapy I couldn't afford anyway.

Well poof I must enter the world of reality and get moving on the letter I have to write to the superintendent for my unpaid leave of absence. I keep forgetting I am a contract employee and you have to follow what it says. I think that contract, at least for a support staff position, is more of a pain than a help. I guess my job really helped with the bills because this is the second check I am not getting and am feeling the pinch. I think I will go out and shovel horse crap and procrastinate a little longer on the letter.

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Sunday I hate Sunday

Most people hate Mondays, I hate Sundays. I usually sleep in on Sundays and when I get up I end up freaking out and flipping out because it is always the same thing.
The kitchen is totally trashed and the house is kattywampous. Today was no exception except for the fact that a few of the other human inhabitants in this house actually pitched in and helped pick up the mess. I was doing the "am I the only one who can" speech and they actually listened to me. Most mornings are a fight these days to get up and get moving as it is but when I know whats waiting for me and the fact I have a minuscule amount of energy these days why bother. I have entered a hard downward spiral and I am afraid I don't have the strength to pull my nose up. I need a little of that Cinderella positive thinking and happy ending crap.

I decided not to inflict myself on my in laws tomorrow without my husband. I am not in the mood to be sociable in the slightest. Especially when I never know when a crying jag or ranting fit will hit these days. The kids have the parade tomorrow morning and then I am digging in for the day and not going anywhere. I think it will be in every ones best interest and safer too.

Well I have two silly, giggling 11 yr olds in the other room watching The Muppet Wizard of OZ and they want Megan's birthday cheese cake now so I am off to feed my face.

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Sunburned & Bloated

What started out as going to watch Sara Pole Vault at sectionals for a few hours ended up being 8 sunbaked hours of waiting. She was seated first in her section and thought she had won but the officials screwed up and she ended up having a jump off with another girl. The other girl won. Anger doesn't cover it. To tell her she won and get her excited to have won a sectional patch her first year of track then to snatch it away. She was disappoint to say the least. But my husband came and I know she was thrilled he was there to see her pole vault and run her relay. As much as they fight and piss each other off she still appreciates him coming.

Today was also our 17th wedding anniversary. We went out and had a nice dinner at a local restaurant that is our favorite splurge place for special occasions. Thus the bloated part of my title. I figure the poor hubby isn't getting any like he normal would on our anniversary so I felt a nice meal was needed haha. Considering its usually one of his few chances in a year. Didn't think ahead when I signed up for the D&C.

I hate holiday weekends the name holiday is a farce. They are so busy with running around and socializing. Two things I find really hard to do these days. Though my chiropractor whom I adore made me feel a little better on Friday. She was behind but she still took the time to sit down and really ask me how I was doing. I felt good to voice some of the pent up stuff for a little while and then have some of the kinks worked out of my back. If I could afford to make her my personal chiropractor I would.

Well I need to collapse and wait for the call to pick up my older kids around midnight argggg.

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I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin. Go somewhere that is safe, quiet, and dark. I hate the unknown and want to leap ahead, flip to the end of the book to find out the ending. I am in a place I haven't been in quite awhile and am not liking it one bit. This is the time I wish I had more faith in a power bigger than myself so I could turn it over. Funny how a little thing like trying to pay bills and getting letters from you kids teachers can set things off. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because it would make whats going on so more real. I am a big baby listen to me. Hormones and the unknown bad combo. Eat some chocolate. That doesn't even work. Ive gained back the 25 pounds I fought hard to lose over the past year added more to the agony that is me.

Well the break is over and I need to resume my life as it is. The kids will be tumbling in pretty soon and I still have to pay those bills and get ready to tell my oldest daughter her weekend plans are canceled.
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Good Day

Today was one of those good days. The few and far between days. The kind I crave more of.

Started with everybody making it on the bus. With, may I add, minimal yelling on

my part. The sun was shining brightly. And I am beginning to feel better after

my ordeal last week. I had my first lesson from my friend Paul on training my

5 year old horse pictured above and it went very well. Izzy did great I was the slow

learner lol. And I was able to mow, very slowly to avoid bumps, but still able to get

most of the yard mowed. That in itself is a big deal. People think I am weird that I

enjoy mowing the lawn. It is peace and quiet away from the kids and this year

its extra enjoyable because my hubby got me a new lawn mower for my next 10 years

worth of presents. It was so frustrating last year trying to keep up with everything using

unreliable machinery. Doesn't take much to make my day.

I am hoping I can continue to keep myself busy for the next three weeks so I

don't sit and stew and worry about the results of my D&C on June 5th.

I actually was able to stay up most of the day also which hasn't happened in a few

weeks.

Here is to many more days like today in my future.

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???????

She did it again. Yesterday was the parade and fair/carnival for the

annual Dogwood Festival. Megan and Sean both marching in the parade.

Sara was riding around town on her bike. She asked if she could go

with some friends to get pizza then over to their house to watch

movies and play games. Two names were mentioned and one was a

absolute No!!! This is the house my eldest son almost drank himself into

a comma so of course I didn't think I was being unreasonable about saying

no to going to this persons house. I went to bed and Dave fell asleep.

He woke up about 1am and no call or sign of Sara. He called the place she was

suppose to be and woke up the father who said nope not here. Called the cell

phone of the girl she was with and they were, guess where, the house I

specifically said NO. The story from her end was oh I left my bike there and

had to go get it and then got involved in a game and lost track of time.

She is 15 years old. 1:15am is to late to be losing track of time.

They never learn I don't understand. She just got grounded for the same

thing just 2 weeks ago. Do teenage hormones cause lapses in memory or

just stupidity.? I think I might just begin a study to figure this one out.

For now I guess we keep on grounding till the facts penetrate her skull or we

could just lock her in her room till she is 21 lol.

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Ouch

Here it is day four after my procedure and I am so sore it so sucks. And the kicker I thought I would hear from the doctor right after the surgery what she found but no I have to wait till my recheck on the 5th of June. The instructions were a laugh though. No tampons, no bathes, no sex till after the recheck. Depending on who was giving the instruction it was kinda humorous. Like not having sex for the next three weeks is a major trauma,NOT. I cant even remember the last time I had sex. The only thing that makes me mad is I can't swim and it will be done for the year by the time I can again. I have to say though that my hubby has been great and done things above and beyond (wont get into details) the call of duty to help me prepare for and after the surgery. It just sucks that I am gonna have to go through this again when I actually get my hysterectomy. It stinks being a woman sometimes, most of the time. Men don't know how good they have it.

I am so not looking forward to summer either. I definitely need to find things to keep my kids busy and away from each other. Weekends are bad enough with the constant fighting mostly between my two youngest. I now have 3 teenagers,Sean turned 13 on Thursday, in the house. Heaven help us.

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frreaking

Tomorrow I go for my hystoscopy and D&C. I slept in this morning to avoid thinking about it and now I got up and started to clean. I compulsively cleaned. I often go crazy cleaning when I feel like I have no control. The kids know to run for the hills or pitch in. Good thing every body was at school. I know everything is going to be fine. But the mind is a terrible place to be and it is making me crazy. Taking the time off work is going to make us short for the next few weeks and the added stress of the unknown is making me have a panic attack. Its the attack of the what ifs. I had to call between 1 and 3 to see when I am suppose to show up tomorrow and its at 8am. I am so glad its first thing.
I am headed out to Sara's track meet and some distraction. She finally made 8ft the other day and came in second. Saturday at the Invitational in Wayland she got 3rd in pole vault and 3 in her 4x800 relay. There where about 12 school participating.
Well I am off to the track meet and I will update when I can. Wish me luck.

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I finally got to go to the Lilac Festival.

Sara wanted to go and see some of the performers so we had

a girls night out. I had forgotten how spectacular the

flowers and trees are. They had great timing and weather this

year. The bushes and trees put on quite the show.

It was a nice time sharing my daughters music and me sharing

the park and memories.

Of course it didn't hurt that we pigged out on Ice cream

Fried Dough and Cotton Candy. Lets just say I didn't have any

trouble staying awake on the drive home.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day. I decided to make my Mother and

Mother-in-law a card with a picture of the flowering tree

seen above. Partly because I procrastinated buying a card,

partly because I felt like being creative.

As my children are fighting in the other room over something stupid

for a change I am glad I got the creative thing out of the way

already. Megan and Sean, oil and water.

Well before they take it to far for a change I must go knock heads.

Happy Mothers Day to one and all.

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LALALALALA

I just had to write a letter for teacher appreciation week for one of the teachers at my sons middle school. It is a person I have known for several years and she is an amazing woman. She has a knowledge and love for books and a good story that just blows me away. She and her husband both remind me of hippies. They actually lived in one of those share communities can't remember what they were called years ago. They are both odd ducks but the nicest people you could ever know. She has MS and has to use a cane and wheel chair to get around. She was diagnosed last year with breast cancer and had her right breasted removed and had 18 weeks of chemo and was back to work 5 weeks after the surgery. Her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor 6 months after her her surgery and he had surgery and chemo also. And thur it all they didn't seem to overwhelmed and continued to be the amazing people they are. I wish I knew their secret of survival. Because obviously I suck at it. I don't even know if I have cancer and I am falling apart. I thought I was being OK and just not overreacting till I go next Wed for my operation but I am not. And my husband is not handling it well either. What I wouldn't pay to have their formula for life. Keeping busy usually works for me but I can;t even do that because I am so fucking tired and in pain I cant do much of anything for to long these days. I am only 45 years old for gosh sakes. I guess I need to ":suck it up cupcake". Instead of having migraine headaches and puking all the time.
I need to find a Zen spot to sit till Wed. I guess lol. Three stressers in life love, health and money. I hit a triple.
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arggggggggggggggggggg

Ok I don't think I am being unreasonable here. Should I not be upset that my 15 yr old daughter has chosen to stay out past midnight without calling to tell us where she is. OMG my father would roll over in his grave. His famous saying is if you can't get it done by 11pm it ain't worth doing. Her response to you should have called and its to late to stay out was well I didn't do anything. OOOOOKAY so that makes it alright to stay out till midnight then walk home in the dark in dark clothes all by yourself. NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN MOM YOU OVER REACT. I don't even let my 17 yr old son wander the street till midnight. He has to let me know where he is and he is to stay there and not gallivant around town. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Then after she heads up to her room saying what ever to being grounded no computer no phone till further notice my hubby chooses to pick a fight about me taking time off of work and money. It is too late to talk about stuff like that so I thought I would vent then go to bed. I sure hope Ian had more fun at his prom then I did tonight. He looked so handsome and he had a real smile on his face when we saw them driving through town in that awesome car. I guess I should do a gratitude list tonight or maybe not.
1. she got home in one piece and is still in one piece at least until tomorrow.
2. the sunshine
3. air i breath (i know I'm stretching it)

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Prom Prom He is off to the Prom

I am so proud of myself I didn't cry and embarrass Ian in front of his prom date. I think it was meant to be.

He and Penny going to the prom. They are good friends and will have a wonderful time with out all the complications. Me I feel old my baby is going to the junior prom. Means he is going to graduate next year and go to the senior ball. I cant promise I will not cry then.

This is the 1937 Desoto that they got a ride to the prom in. Penny's Grandfather as the driver. He looks like he is enjoying the idea of riding in the car he said cool when he saw what they were getting carted around in.

I had to resist the urge to follow the car to the High School and be there to take more pictures. I need to give him his space and hopefully this will be a night to remember for good reasons not teenage angst.

I didn't got to my Junior or Senior ball, I remember our senior rejects night with the beer ball at the campsite we hung out at behind my friend Sara's house. I did go to the freshman dance and can't remember anything beyond the pictures in my living room and I probably only remember that because of the pictures. It is funny to because I always get accused of remembering stuff the most off the wall stuff but I cant remember my freshman dance.

I have 3 more people to go through this stage with. Should be interesting to see if its different when my daughter goes. She wanted to go to this one but I said nope its your brothers night you will have you night in two more years.

Well I think I will go and cover some gray hairs and wait to see how the night went for him.

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