BALLOONS

On the guise of quality time with mom

Sean asked since it was just him and I

home tonight if we could go down to the

balloon festival. I usually go down with

Sara to check out the booths of crafts

but she was busy so I agreed to go.

It was amazing. I don't think we have

in the ten years we have lived here

gone down for the up close and personal

view of the launch. There was the ever

popular Tommy turtle and of course

The coolest one that is here every

year the purple people eater.

They had a shamrock shaped one and

a upside down triangle one this year

also

But he didn't even get through the

whole launch before asking if we could get

funnel cake. Made him suffer through the

whole launch before giving into his request.

The he ditched me. I sort of knew once he

ran into some friends that this would happen

so I wandered off to look at the crafts quietly

by myself. He eventually came to find me only

to ask for more money for food. Oh well so much

for quality time. But I got some amazing pictures and

was awed by the experience so it wasn't a total loss lol.

ttfn

Cookies & Tricycles make me cry!!!

I went to a few garage sales today since its

balloon festival weekend and I saw this tricycle!

Ian got one exactly like it for his 2nd birthday.

First passing the cookies in the grocery store now

its bikes at garage sales its insane. I miss him.

He seems to be loving life right now. All of his

classes and teachers are awesome, his roommate is

good and his work study job is excellent.

I knew he would thrive just didn't think I would

have such a miserable time of it. Plus its his

first real weekend at college. It gets better

right?

For now I will tally forth and try not to embarrass my

other children by crying over cookies, pizza, & Tricycles.

ttfn

Its balloon festival weekend here in Dansville. Usually we avoid the village like the plague this time of year just because of it. You would think after 10 years of living here one would be sick of the sight of balloon but that isn't the case. I happened upon a balloon getting ready to take off at the airport Wednesday night on my way to the grocery store. So I paused to look at something beautiful and amazing up close and watched it be inflated then rise up into the clouds. They are amazing to watch but you would never get me up in one.

ttfn

here i sit broken hearted
went to hug my boy but started
because he isn't here right now
I will survive this part how?

Not a poet and I know it,

Here I sit looking at my

cell phone trying to resist

texting Ian.

I got home last night

after dropping off my

baby at college and

immediately signed on

to my AOL messenger

which I haven't done in

forever. I wished my

baby a goodnight,

sweet dreams over a

computer instead of when

he was heading up the

stairs to his room. It

didn't really hit me then

but wow it is really hitting

me now.

Kept telling myself yesterday

and last night keep it cool,

its not that big of a deal (haha)

he isn't that far away and I know

he will be okay. His roommate

seems nice, the room was much

bigger then the one he stayed

in for orientation and I, like all

good mothers put away his stuff,

made his bed and took him to the

laundry room and showed him

how to use the washer and

dryer. No need to fall

apart. Well cool isn't how I would

describe myself this morning.

I have so much to do right now

and I can't seem to bring myself

to do any of it. Every where I look

reminds me my baby boy is not

here.

The thing is he will be fine, he

will be having the experiences

of a life time and he will enjoy

it. But that doesn't change

the fact that he isn't here and

after 18 years of having him

close to protect and hug when

ever I wanted to will be a

wee adjustment for me.

Sorry took a break had to

text him.

I am proud of myself for not

leaving him with a hysterical

fit last night and proud of his

father too! I thought for sure

it would be the impossible task

to not fall apart but you could

tell how nervous Ian was, mostly

because he didn't kick us out after

we set up the room, and I didn't

think it the right thing to do to him.

So I guess I will plug away at the

mess here at home after being away

for a week, prepare for my last week

of work and the lovely task of finding

a new job, get my other children ready

to start school next week, and get back

to the stress of the day to day survival.

And try to ignore the big hole in the house

which hopefully will not be so painful to look

at after a while, haha me funny.

ttfn

Naming of the Car

Sean wanted to name the car

Brutest. I like to give my

cars female names.

He was heading in the right

direction and I came across a

name at work.

Beatrice she has been

dubbed.

Sean still is going to call her

Brutest.

ttfn

I started crying the minute I got

up this morning. Things that

trigger the tears these days

can be the littlest thing. Maybe

I will run dry before the 23rd.

A love that only a mother can

feel is both joyous and painful.

I have tried as they grew up

to shelter them from the bad

stuff, fear mostly fueled by my

past experiences as a child.

Hopefully not crippling them

like my mother did me.

It has taken me years to

trudge through the shell

I grew up in. Getting burned

several times through out the

years but always coming out

with a thicker skin to protect

me for the next time.

I used to be open and accepting

of people putting trust sometimes

where I shouldn't have. The end

result another lesson learn and

my acceptance and trust level

raised from green to yellow.

Have I given my children the

thick skin to protect them? Is

it a good thing?

My kids try to

be friends with everybody and

not choose sides. They get burned

a lot. Middle school and High School

I think are a preparation for the big

wide world.

So as I send my oldest off to

college in just 2 weeks I will

try and not require a crow bar

to be separated from him when

we leave him at school and come

home without him.

P.S

Ian says I have ruined him of

course because I have always

said no one will love you as

much as your mother. And I

believe that is true.

ttfn

He's a Big Boy Now!!!!!

His love of books began early.

The first time I sent him off to

school. But that time he was

home again in a few hours.

Now he is off to school only to

come home when he feels like

it. In 2 weeks he is entering

the next big adventure. The

first phase of the grown up

world. I can't protect and

shield him anymore. Lessons

taught and hopefully lessons

learned will be his protection

now. And of course he can

always text me.

ttfn

It seems to be working this new

agreement I have with my 2 older

children. I realized they are going to

do things I don't agree with but I would

rather be in the loop than out of the loop.

Hey its a Friday night and they are both

home for the night and its only 10:30pm.

I have to let go of my oldest in less than a

month. I am not so sure I will be able

to. I think I waited to long. He will be

fine not so sure about me. I will have to

stop myself from texting him every

day. Okay maybe for the first 2 weeks

I will do it everyday but then I promise

I will wean myself off of it. Right!!!!

My niece crashed and burned out

of her first year of college. I am hoping

Ian makes better choices and gets

everything out of the experience that

he can yet graduate with a degree. I

can't get across to him the deep regret

I have for screwing up my "college

experience."

I have to stop myself from doing

everything for him before he leaves.

Man its hard.

I have tried to leave the foot work up

to him to get everything set. He took

care of his loans and financial aid stuff.

I was just the secretary for faxing etc.

I did help out with his work study job

though. I got him the job in the library

instead of working in the daycare center.

He owes me.

Now that we have entered August it

is getting to close for me. Hopefully

we will have a wonderful vacation

in Maine to end the summer and

launch him into his college life.

I have to let go and hope that all

we have taught them will help

them make good choices and to

succeed.

ttfn