Every breath I take/The jailers are in bed hahahha(written 6/25 - 6/28)

I never know how long I can sit on my donut before having to roll onto the couch so we shall see how today goes.


Lets just say once again O'brien/Kelly law prevailed and I chose the path of most shit to follow. My surgery went well and everything seemed fine till they put me in my room and I really started to wake up. I can not express the pain I was having in any form or word. For those of you who have gone through child birth, without drugs, can maybe relate a small amount but even my first who gave me 22 stitches coming out was a day at the beach comparably. Frantic search ensued to find the right drug to stop said pain. After 3 hours, 3 pain killers, 2 or 3 different muscle relaxants later my sister called and said the only thing that ever helped stop her pain after her surgery was this certain drug which they instantly tried. I was fine for maybe 5 minutes and everyone had settled in to watch me the nurses had left the room and left Dave to watch me and remind me to breath. He asked me if I was okay and I didn't respond, he asked again, then he stood up only to find my lips had turned a pretty blueish purple to match my gown and I wasn't breathing. Of course what followed I can only relate second hand. I know I scared the shit out of a lot of people especially my husband. He saved me. He Is MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. All I knew was that I got to spend the night in the nice new ICU room with my own personal nurse named Bob. The reality of the situation hit me the next day after the kids and my mother inlaw left from visiting and the nurse asked if I was okay. (an aside those nurses and staff on 2nd floor were beyond awesome), she was of course only 1 of 2 nurses covering our floor for the night and was very busy but she took the time to hold my hand while I fell apart. I am most died. OMG. Of course the A typical reaction to this began to flow that I had a lot of very special people in my life and I wasn't sure if I had said I love you to a few people before going into the hospital and never had lunch with Maria. Lets just say the next few days were spent on the phone with everybody I could get a hold of,if your reading this I don't have you phone #, and let them know how much I loved and appreciated them. Fast forward to Saturday. I was released from the hospital with the ability to pee like a boy. Someone made me laugh when they said to bad there isn't any snow so you can write your name in it and get the full benefit. Anyway, hugged and kissed animals and children and mother inlaw,have to write a whole blog on her, and settled in.

Here it is tuesday morning 6is in the morning and Dave and I have been home from the emergency room for about an hour. He is sleeping I am sneaking to sit and write to release some of the feeling sorry for myself pressure. I went into the the ED with chest pain thought I had thrown a clot in my lungs or was having a heart attack. Nope. Gall Bladder/Gall stone attack. I looked at this elderly doctor in the ED and said you have got to be fuckin kidding me. He smiled and said yep sorry here is an appt to see the surgeon on 7/3 to discuss further measures and eat a no fat diet until then. Nobody should be allowed to have this much fun in one week.

6/28/07 845am. Hope fully I can finish this blog and post it so I can move on.


Look out the duct tape will be engaged when the jailers arise I fear. Couldn't stop myself. Maybe they won;t notice and think gee someone stepped up and did some stuff.

I went out and visited the other jailed being poor Izzy. While sitting on the front porch visiting with friends she came out of the barn and was limping on Monday. I was pinned to the couch and the others went to investigate. Hahahaha silly jailers didn't tie the knots tight enough. They seem to have forgotten that these hoofed animals are my babies too!!!!! Vet came said to keep her in till they see what the xrays say which hopefully today we will hear so she, at least, can be released from her cage.

Oh and did i mention amid all the fun and exciting things going on around here my 15 yr old daughter decides to start making bad chooses so I am trying to get her in to speak with her old therapist, we go today at 1030am. This is where the duct tape they haven't used on me is going to come in handy.

So here I "sit" and wish I was some place else because maybe I would heal faster. I have to go I hear movement in the upper part of the house and have to get in the shower when my personal assistant arises to help me.

Once again I just keep repeating "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

(Please keep the families of the 5 high school girls from Fairport who died in your thoughts and prayers.)

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Short and Sweet

This post I can guarantee will be short and sweet. I am alive. I got out of the hospital Saturday and have been slowly assimilating myself back into the house. I have been threatened with being duct taped to the couch if I try doing anything for the next 2 weeks. I am sitting on my doughnut, a wonderful friend the past few days. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the long run even dieing for a few minutes. I have found and re found the important things in my life and reaffirmed that my husband is and always will be my knight in shining armor.
Enough for now.
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Mother in Law

The name mother-in-law tends to have a negative vibe attached to it. Not so with mine. I adore my mother in law and we even lived with her for almost 4 years and I can still say that. She never butted into our lives unless asked and always seems to know just the right time to offer help. Case in point, I am going into the hospital tomorrow and can not be there to support my son as he experiences a painful moment in his young life, the funeral of a best friend. It was bad enough "abandoning" my family to have this surgery done but to not be able to be there with Sean is killing me. My mother-in-law just called and said "I was thinking after talking with you yesterday if Sean needs someone to go with him tomorrow as support?" I was very grateful because Sean said a quick yes with much relief in his voice. He and gramma have shared a special relationship from when we lived with them. When things got crazy upstairs Sean could always go down stairs and hang with gramma and have toast with jelly and juice and watch cartoons. Especially after Megan was born she was a god sent. It was really tough for both of them when we moved out and an hour away. They both and me included went through major gramma withdrawal. The first few years here we saw each other almost every other weekend and all special occations. Now the visits are a little more spread out but when we need her she comes running. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful person to come attached to the love of my life but here she is. I can rest easy tomorrow and not worry that everything is falling apart at home because gramma will be here.
I also have been blest with great friend through out my life and feel that my family will survive with the support of the warm blanket we have in our lives. My scout buddy and horse pal made the nerves go for a while this morning and as she left she left me with a belly laugh saying "Now listen to me carefully, the white light is not your friend stay away from the light your friends are in the darkness go toward that." So I can go tomorrow and rest a little easier and concentrate on me for a few days knowing my family is in good hands.

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One day Left

I have one more day left to get anything left on my list done. Today was spent first going to get my pretests done, blood work, paper work, and explanation of the procedure that I am having. My oldest daughter went with me and I watched her eyes get bigger and bigger and thought maybe I should have left her in the car. Then we had breakfast because one, that's how I bribed Sara to go with me and two, I was starving ha ha because I had to fast for the tests this morning. We then went to cheer on Megan at her elementary schools fifth grade Olympics. My last time for that. It was thankfully over before it got to hot. Some last minute errands and dropped
Sara off to take her math regents. I wasn't surprised to see Sean home they had an assembly about the boy that died this weekend and Sean started crying and couldn't stop so they called Dave to come get him. Poor kid if he keeps busy he is OK and nobody says to much about mike. Tough lesson to have to learn at 13.
I just finished putting up the new fence for the horses to give them grass before it got completely dark. Now I am just waiting for the kids to call to be picked up from a picnic and I am done for the night.
Tomorrow will be spent being a nervous Nelly and doing 15 loads of laundry.
I wish I could be there for Sean on Wednesday for the funeral but some one else is going to have to handle it. I am the mom and should be there. But I hope the family continues to pull together and help each other get through the next few days.
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How do you explain to a 13 year old about death. Its another one of those situation when a instruction book would come in handy. Sean's friend passed away from complications from CF. Sean has known Mikey since preschool. They have been best buddies for 9 years. An amazing young man that lived his life like any other normal kid even when battling weight loss and feeding tubes. He participated in sports and raised cows, winning championships in 4-h fairs. His mother didn't coddle him and let him live his life. Mike was a 40 year old in a 13 year olds body. Sean said Mike never got angry or dislike anybody. He knew that life would be short and didn't want to waste time on such negative feelings. He was a fighter. He lived twice as long as the normal life expectancy for a child with CF. Sean has alot of great friends and reminds me of my little sister LuLu. She was always the rock in the center of the friend pile and was there to support those around her. I drove Sean down to a friends house where several friends had gathered to hug and cry and laugh together.
How do you explain something that you yourself feel is just so unfair. I had to take the phone from him at one point at the beginning of this nightmare and talk to his friend on the other end. She was concerned about Sean and told me to tell him she loved him and they would get through this together. This being a 13 year old teenage girl not being self centered like most can be.

Well tomorrow will be another day to get through with hopefully more answers and more clarity. It just makes me think did I say I love you to the ones I love today. Too bad it takes something like this to make you realize some thing as simple as that that we take for granted. I love you all.
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Insanity

The insanity hit at about 5pm today. I returned home from dropping Sean off at a bday party/sleepover and began to clean. It is now 4am and I finally decided my back can't take anymore so here i sit. I got the front porch usable for tomorrow when my in laws come over for a fathers day BBQ. And also when I want to go and sit outside when I get home I can do it now without obsessing about the messy front porch. My room got cleaned and the two rooms outside of my room. Tomorrow butts are getting kicked out of bed and the family room, bathroom and kitchen are next.I warned everybody that this would happen just thought the panic wouldn't kick in till Sunday. I am just a few days off. It will also help that everything is picked up and clean so dave can use some of the days he is taking off for my surgery and recovery to patch and fix up.

Tomorrow the in laws are coming down for a BBQ to celebrate Fathers Day. Dave's cousin from Florida is in town also and is coming down with them and staying with us for a few weeks. Just what I need right now a house guest. Tomorrow the farrier is coming out to trim feet and help me work with my filly. It should be a very interesting day seeing its 4 am and I am not in bed yet.

I best be off to bed. Hopefully my eyes will close and stay closed.
Didn't happen last night I would close them and then realize that they were open again and my mind was racing a mile a minute. Good night and be glad you aren't here having to be around a crazy woman.
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Wow Fantastic

The vote is in in Mass. and they won. Saner heads prevailed and voted to allow gay and lesbians to have the same civil rights as everybody else the legal right to marry. Good news is what I needed today and this was more than that. Just wish I could have been there to whoop it up and hug my friend Sara and her wife.

I have started to not be so calm about my up coming surgery. I had to drive my baby to school because she missed the bus and she asked on the way down if anything could go wrong with my operation. I took a deep breath and told her there is always a small chance but I trust my doctor and she has done hundreds of these procedures. Megan is my worry wart. She takes after me in that department though I have mellowed with age some what. Its a two sided coin part of me is thrilled that it will be all over and hopefully make my quality of life better but the other half is scared to death. Then I have the worry of everything getting done before I go in so I won't be tempted to do anything when I get home, making sure the kids get to where they need to be while I am in the hospital, that the animals are set. I am chipping away at the list and I am trying to not be overly concern about the small stuff. I finally got the proper paper work to satisfy my boss at work to cover the time I am off. My head is spinning and as the time draws closer it seems more real every day. Everything will be fine and my family will survive without me for a while right? Well only time will tell. Stay tuned hahaha.
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Say What?

I have a friend who may lose her marriage to her wife, yes her wife, and its not from divorce. The Mass. governing body is trying to put on the ballot for 2008 to rescind the right for gay and lesbian couples to marry legally. She has enjoyed several years of having the legal right to be married and now they want to take it away. My 15 year old daughter at lunch today said that isn't right how can they do that. If the people apposed to law could just meet and get to know her aunt they would see that their relationship is as normal as any other one. She also said the they need to follow there own rules because the main reason they say its wrong is because of their religion. This isn't a religious battle its a governmental battle. What ever happened to separation of church and state. I guess she has been paying attention in social studies.
I agree they did a simple thing by taking religion out of our schools how about our government. I can't even imagine how she feels. I would be outraged if they tried to tell me my husband and I could no longer be legally married. Stupidity doesn't cover it.
I am hoping that she will be surprised and have it come out in her favor after the election and saner minds prevail. And I am going to try and get over the fact that my daughter is 15 and having amazing conversations like this one over lunch.

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Approved

The school year is coming to a close. It seemed to fly this year. This was the last day of classes for my older two and they have regents exams this week and next week. The younger two are done on the 22. We have typical end of the year things going on which I can go to thank goodness because they are before I go under the knife. Its a lot of lasts for me. My last child is going on to middle school so this is the last flag day ceremony, last end of the year elementary Olympics, and the last band and chorus concert.
Megan is already worrying herself into a tizzy about moving up to middle school. We go tomorrow night for a information meeting and meet the staff at the middle school. Hopefully this will help her not panic.

My oldest got a job for the summer and our towns summer recreation program as a counselor. He will be great at it and he won't be wasting his summer sleeping and playing on the computer. Plus he will be earning money towards a car or college.Megan likes the idea of her brother being a counselor she wants to go every day to the program. That gets rid of two of the players in the lets kill each other game. The four of them are going to do the summer swim program like last year if we can swing the money. Now I just have to find something the other two can do and life will be calm this summer instead of the urge to kill them all.

Well I am off to sweat. The last of the hay is being baled right now. Get it in the barn and I can check on more thing off my list.

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hay choo

Today was the first round of bring in the bales.
It's a tradition built over the past 9 years of
haying. There are all the same players just some
of them are bigger and stronger. Thank goodness for
that. Ian has a friend named Joe that has helped
us with hay from the beginning. I was talking to him
on line the other night and asked him if he was ready
to do hay. His response was are you ever really ready to
do hay? True. Then he went on to say that since he hasn't
been hanging around up here as much,(due to a girl friend),
that he wouldn't feel guilty if.......Naw cant break tradition.
It is an art form to stack the hay so it fits in the space
provided and over the years I have gotten better at it. Last year
though was torture. I was still healing from a ripped hamstring and
had to watch as others did it. I had to at one point go inside so
I wouldn't have a nervous break down. Lets just say the hay got into
the barn and that's all that matters right? I am just happy we
are getting it done before the 20th. It seems to be earlier and earlier
every year. So tomorrow we will do the other 200 and that will be
one less thing for me to worry about while I am down and out.

I explained to my children to be prepared next weekend to help get the
house in order or suffer the wrath. I can not have any reason to do something
stupid or I will. I finished shoveling out my youngest daughters room before the
haying began today. Got rid of a lot of "stuff" that hopefully won't be missed.
That is the joy of doing it while she is at school. Salvation Army run tomorrow to
dispose of the evidence. The offers of help have come from all around. Things will
be okay because we have people to help Dave and the kids where needed over the next
few weeks. I have just got to keep telling myself to release control the world will
not stop re voling because I am stuck in bed for a few weeks.

I have to call my boss tomorrow and tell her I won't be back to work till the beginning of August instead of the beginning of July. I hope we can make it a
little longer without my paycheck and Dave was going to pick up an extra day
at his per Diem job.

Well it is time to go to bed and rest up for another day of lift that bale.

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The Norm

I was driving in the car the other day after picking up Sean from some place and he made the comment that all his friends parents are divorced. I commented that unfortunately his father and I are now the exception not the rule. That only about 34% of married couples stay married. Then I also said if they allowed gay couples to marry that number would probably rise. I know at least 4 couples that have been together as long if not longer than Dave and I. Only one of those couples is legally married because they live in a state that allows marriages of same sex couples.I have to give Dansville credit though or at least the school district. There are openly gay teachers and administrator working in the schools.

When I worked in the school cafeteria I saw many of the children's names change several times. We live in a small rural area and the rate of divorce, teen pregnancy, and child neglect is high. There is an 8th grader in my son's school that is pregnant. An eighth grader, she is only 14. I knew that my warm smile and remembering someones name when they came through the lunch line was probably the only kindness some of these kids got each day. I would sometimes buy them lunch if they forgot their money and most of them would pay me back. This was against policy and I always got a mark on my end of the year review because of it. I explained that I wasn't extending credit to the kids the lunch was payed for. Unfortunately it didn't fly. But to this day most of my favorites remember my name and I theirs. My concern and caring didn't leave just because I left the job. Gone are the days of June Cleaver and Harriet Nelson. Kids now come home to empty houses. Not mom waiting with warm cookies fresh out of the oven and a glass of milk.

I can't imagine my life with out my husband Dave or my kids. I married the man because I loved him and that love grows and changes every day we are together.

I don't mind being the exception.

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Its That Hay Time of the Year!!!!!

Where is it written that no matter when we do hay it has to be 90 degrees. I finally pinned the neighbor down to when he is cutting and baling our hay and it is tomorrow with baling on Sunday or Monday. I am happy because I not only get it done before I have to go into the hospital but I was assertive and asked for how many bales I need not what he thinks I need. Gee the kids will be so happy, NOT.
I am slowly getting my ducks in a row so that everybody knows what everybody else is doing while I am down and out. My husband is freaking out worse than me about the whole thing. He told me why he was so insistent to take family leave because he had a dream he was working and something went wrong with my surgery and he had to run all my test because there was no one else to do it. I think he loves me a lot. I think the only thing that will drive me crazy while laid up is some one else will have to mow the lawn on my lawn mower. I pity the fool that breaks it. Funny how I am most worried about my new toy. I am pathetic.

Well I am off to bed didn't get any sleep last night and I have to go shopping for the food for Sean's scout camp out this weekend. Busy days ahead will keep the brain occupied.

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STUBBORN

Why am I so stubborn? Why do I feel that people would not be happy to help in times of need?
It has been proven time and again that there are some great people in my life that would do
just about anything for me yet I still find it hard to reach out and ask. I am an idiot feeling like
a bother and not wanting to put anyone out. My dear friend, scout buddy, and horse pal who loves me for who I am warts and all asked when the surgery was and said send any or all of the kids to stay with her if I want to get rid of them for a few days to make it easier on my hubby. Sean is going to go over to hang with his buddy Jake. But I love her to much to send more haha.
And she has offered to drive my kids to and from regent exams and anything else that needs to be done.
She even offered to come work my horse for me. Why do I not feel like I deserve friends like this? Even when my hubby said he wanted to take a family leave to be there for me my response was you really don't
have to do that. My husband and sister both said I am being unrealistic about the time frame of recovery and I need to not be a dumb ass and push too soon. Then there is a woman from the church I use to go to that still gives us cookies on special holidays and is offering to bring in meals for my family while I am in the hospital. She doesn't care that I don't go to church she still loves me as a friend anyway. Even one of my best friends from high school who helped us out earlier this year with
some of our financial woes, it was the most difficult thing for me to ask her for help even though rationally I knew she would.
I know I can't do this alone, I don't want to do it alone but the two sides are fighting. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to put a strain on my hubby financially and emotionally. I don't want to be helpless and dependent. I am mother and I take care
of everything around here. Everything will fall apart without me. Stop laughing.

When we first found out about the mass from my ultrasound and that it would be three weeks before we found out if it was
benign or not we decided not to bother anyone in Dave's family until we knew what was happening. Well I got firmly told I was an idiot and that they are our family and that's what families are for and never do that again.

So I guess the moral of the story is that family and friends are the foundation of our life and with out them we would sink into the mud and mire of our lonely existence. I need to sing the song "Lean on Me" ten million times then maybe it will sink in
my thick, stubborn skull.

Lean on me, when your not strong,

and I'll be your friend and help

you carry on.

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Phewww

Well I have just returned for my appointment for my recheck. The mass was non cancerous. They took my blood pressure before going in to talk to the doctor and it was 117 over 79. I guess I was calm but sitting in her office waiting for her to come in I would have liked to seen what it would have been then. They were able to explain why I was having such trouble that I need to have the surgery to repair my sagging bladder and remove my uterus. So I go under the knife on the 20th of June. Part of me is happy that the hell will end soon the other part is worrying about can I do this, am I being selfish. Hay is hopefully going to get done before I go, money will continue to be tight, I will lose weeks of training on the horse, and how will everybody survive around here without me. I have always been curious to see but I got the answer to that a few years back when I went away to Scout Camp and came home to pure hell. They are older now so you can only hope things will be different. That's why I now have Gramma come down and "babysit" while I am gone.
So I guess I will get as much as I can settled and ready before and hope the rest takes care of its self.
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I have physically run myself into the ground today. We are once again into cleaning and fixing mode to get ready for yet another appraisal so we can hopefully get a lower rate for our mortgage. That's okay because I needed the distraction today so I don't sit and worry about my appointment tomorrow. I attacked Megan's room. Oh My Gosh how can one little child make such a colossal mess. I wanted to do it without her so I could make some of the crap she never plays with and just dumps on the floor in her room disappear. I spent 4 hours in there and I still have a few more to go. Not to mention the part after we get done cleaning. Filling holes in the walls and repainting her room. She seem to miss the memo that writing and poking holes in the walls was not an appropriate way of expressing ones self.

I spent most of last week and this weekend doing yard work. Last summer was a wash in keeping up the yard due to lack of equipment needed to maintain the lawn mostly. It drove my neighbors crazy. But I also get a warm fuzzy feeling when everything is weeded and mulched and the lawn is mowed. I got a new mower for mothers day and I am being smart and not letting anyone else but me use it. Plus its fun to ride haha.
Megan has the garden bug so we are planting some veggies and flowers that she picked out.

hopefully I have pooped myself out enough so I can sleep tonight. I couldn't last night. I am thinking positive because I really need to get back to work so I can start getting a paycheck again. It has been really tight. So of course I am feeling guilty because it all my fault. How dare I not feel good and take time off from work.

Well I am off to pick up my socialite Sean from a b-ball game and then dinner.
Fingers crossed and prays being said. Till tomorrow..
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Amazing Roller Coast

If you thought I was going to talk about riding a roller coaster from my title obviously you don't know me that well. Today was one of those amazing days of the up and down feelings. It started with the kids actually pitching in to help me with the yard work,(well I still had to yell but), each did their assigned job without to much fighting. Then the two middle children were teaching the baby how to properly throw a Frisbee. I got to go to the grocery store with my handsome 17 year old son. He is my favorite shopping companion because he doesn't whine and beg for stuff. Had to leave those kids at home only had so much to spend on groceries and I usually give in just to shut them up. (I know bad bad mommy). Then for the first time in I can't remember when all 6 of us, yes daddy, mommy and 4 kids had dinner together on the front porch. BBQ chicken and salad. Then a game of Frisbee with all 4 kids playing nicely with each other. Nicely being the main word in that sentence. Pinch me I think aliens have replaced my family.

After dinner we went down to the middle school track to check out the Relay for Life event going on there. Every year teams form and collect money and cans and try to raise the most. Then they set up tents and walk the track all night. They sell bags to put candles in and line the track and spell out HOPE on the bleachers with luminaries. They shut out the lights and light candles and walk around the track to remember those lost to cancer and to cheer those who survive. I am an emotional mess anyway but to see my kids walking with the candles and feeling the moment well lets just say I was a puddle with red eyes by the time they turned on the lights again. This year was different I have two friends who have survived breast cancer and one friend who just found out he has not long to live due to brain cancer. And of course I was thinking of hows there is only Three more days till I finally get to hear the results of my d&c and I had been doing a good job of keeping busy and buried not think about it. Hard to ignore tonight. May all the hard work that these and other people put into these types of events help to continue to diminish the number of people afflicted with this life altering disease. God bless my family and friends that they will continue to enjoy great health and happiness. Love to all.
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Mom Taxi

I wish I had started counting the number of times I run up and down the hill
to take and pick up children. I bet it would add up to a trip to California.
I just got back from my fourth trip to pick up my baby from her last elementary school roller skating party. Our exchange program holds once a month skating parties for grades 1-5. She said "mom this is my last skating party and that is so sad, now I guess I have to go to the dances in middle school". I told her she didn't have to go to the dances but what do I know she says her friends will be going so must she. Her siblings haven't been much comfort about the change to middle school. Yes middle school is hell but you don't tell them that you just say its okay and leave it at that. Middle school is a time for tween and teens to try out different personalities to find one to carry over to high school. It ain't pretty. It is three years of constant changes in every way. Gotta love those emerging hormones. This isn't only Meg's last roller skating party its also my last child to be in elementary school. Next year its 2 high schoolers, one graduating, and 2 middle schoolers. How did this happen? I blinked and poof. I had someone comment how busy I must be running around for 4 kids and I reply that I will enjoy it while I can because it will be quiet around here soon enough.

All the running has kept my mind off my June 5th appointment which is quickly approaching. A good friend of mine said worry and it will be nothing don't worry your dead. I guess I will be okay me the big worry wart. I am just hoping to figure out what is going on so I will be able enjoy my life more and get back to living. I am sick of being "under the weather". Plus I need to get back to work so I can get back to helping financially around here again. But like my doctor said take it easy and stop beating yourself up for what you can't do right now. One day at a time. Breath.
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