Black Hole

Well its happened. I am back there again. I sold my soul to the temporary agency in town to work in the black hole of dansville. A place no one wants to work for long thus the use of the temp agency. I have pretty much run out of options at this point short of making it look like an accident so he can collect the insurance. I guess this wasn't a good time for me to run out of my antidepressants huh? Shoot me now.

It has rekindled the anger I have towards the way my other job ended. I could still be at least making some money on a regular basis right now if only I hadn't been so naive. Why do people have to be such assholes and I have to be so gullible? Becoming a hermit looks better and better every day if only I didn;t have so many freakin people dependent on me.

I go to pick up my college boy on Friday. He is coming home for the weekend. Its homecoming weekend. We saw him last weekend but it will be nice to have him home home for a few days.
My life feels so out of control and cattywampus right now it will be nice to have some normalcy again even if its just for a few days. Everybody home and under one roof. The simple things that make it better for a short time.

I have to have to have to pull up from this nose dive. So hopefully this weekend will help to put my feet back on the ground for a little while and avert a crash.

Off to my only escape I have at the moment excessive sleeping.

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I really need to get a job that pays half way decent so I can start drinking again.

But then if I had a half way decent job that payed well I wouldn't probably feel like drinking again.

We are once again in that zone of omg what are we going to do. I have not gotten a call to sub in over a week and things like groceries, gas and special things like needing a dress for homecoming are becoming impossible luxury's. The credit card is being used way to much but we have no other options right now. Gee I wish the government would give me 700 billion dollars and bail me out of the mess I seemed to have gotten myself into again.

My husband was saying isn't it great that you work at a job for as many years as he has and you still do not raise up in economic status because nothing else follows, everything else raises as fast if not faster then you salary. And in my case jobs hardly pay for themselves.

So once again it is onward ever onward trying to avoid the mud pit of depression and dis pare and tally forth with. Anymore sayings that I can come up with if only they worked lol.

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The Drama of the Swim Suit Mystery

Yesterday was suppose to be a fun day hahahahahahaha. My mother in law once again comes through when we need a helping hand.

Sara had an invitational in Webster yesterday and needed to be down at the school to catch the bus at 7am. She thought the bus wasn’t leaving till 7:30 but they called as we were heading down at 7 asking where she was. No problem right?

She couldn’t find her suit the night before and thought it must be in her locker but low and behold when she got down to the school it was no where to be found. So my plans of going home and getting a few more hours of sleep before having to drive to visit Ian in Fredonia was gone like the wind.

I spent the next hour tearing the house apart looking for her suit that if I did find I would have had to drive up to Webster, deliver the suit and turn right around and come home only to leave to go see Ian. Well I didn’t find the suit.

Usually there is a swim suit store selling discount suits and goggles set up at the invites and as luck would have it she was there yesterday. This is where the most wonderful mother in law in the world comes in. She not only rushed over to purchase a suit for Sara she stayed to cheer her on in the morning prelims and then returned in the afternoon to cheer her on in the finals.

In spite of the rough start Sara did very well. They were competing against 6 Class A schools, 1 other school from our Class C and one from AA. She finished 12 in the 500 over all, her 400x4 relay team came in 7th over all and their team ended up 5th over all. Not to shabby for a hick team from Dansville. I am just sorry I missed it.

Oh and I found her suit this morning in the dirty clothes basket which I went through 5 times piece by piece yesterday morning and it wasn’t there. I swear we have a brownie in the house that enjoys playing tricks.

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B+ Story

A TEACHER’S WRATH: HOW I CAME TO RESPECT THE WRITTEN WORD, AND OTHER STORIES

By Ian O’Brien

I acknowledge the fact that, as a human being, my opinions are not wholly my own. From an early age, I have absorbed, and admittedly regurgitated, the opinions of others. In the days of my youth, several people have been instrumental in the formation of my most basic of opinions, my undying live for books and my eternal tolerance of other persons.

The earliest memories of my father are of him reading. He read at the dinner table, on the couch, before his nap, before his favorite TV show, when I got home from school, all the time. There is always a book in his hand or within easy reach. He and my mom took me to the local library often and I would wander between the musty shelves just looking at the spines and trying to decide which to read next. If I picked out something that my dad thought was too hard for me he always had a suggestion for a substitute, and he promised to remember the books I had chosen for a later date. My dad has an immense collection of books that he lets me borrow from: books that he had read and is always happy to discuss them with me. He told me recently that “By keeping a large collection of books at home and constantly browsing the local library, I am continuing the legacy that my father shared with me”. At my grandparents house, in which I lived for several years, my grandfather has two full rooms where the walls are completely covered with books. Often I would take my action figures and play on the shelves; my imagination sparked by the colorful spines of those books. Many an imaginary battle was fought in those rooms and I can remember my grandfather chuckling quietly at my sound effects.

The single most defining moment where I learned, above all else, to respect books, happened in kindergarten. My teacher Mrs. Hillflicker, a charming woman of blonde hair and kind countenance, had passed out the day’s book, In a Dark Dark House. My class was split into groups of four and each group sat around a circular table. Each child had a book in front of them. Mrs. Hillflicker stepped out for a minute to go to the bathroom. The table across from mine became bored and started to playing with the books. Not playing as in making hats or planes or houses with them, oh no that would have been fine; this group got it into their heads to start an air hockey game with the books! They started passing them across the table, sliding them faster and faster. Then a boy, I do not remember his name, got bored of that potentially disastrous game and threw the book he had at another table. Chaos ensued. Soon all the other tables were gleefully entering the melee. Books were flying everywhere. My table took refuge below our table and grabbed what books we could to save them. A small knot of horror grew in my stomach. Then, we all heard a loud gasp, a sharp intake of breath that was to signal the end of playtime for these children for weeks. Mrs. Hilflicker stood in the doorway to our classroom, her hand at her throat and a comic expression of surprise on her face. I would have laughed had I been older. Then her face got red, very red, and she unleashed a torrent of tongue lashings that I have never heard the equal. the beauty was, she never swore. She completely humiliated the bad children, without foul language. I myself felt shamed even though I had not participated in the blasphemy of book throwing. To this day I can still hear her chastising the class whenever a book is mishandled.

Like tolerance of books, a tolerance of others has been instilled in me by my parents. I do not remember any time that they have ever honestly made a racist remark. They were quick to admonish me if I was too hasty with my judgment of anyone. My dad told me where his tolerance came from, “I learned tolerance of other people first by working at camps for many years as a teen and young adult. Meeting thousands of campers and working with hundreds of different people forces you to look for the underlying similarities in all of them. The most profound lesson of tolerance came from the rooms of AA. All of us, rich or poor, regardless of race or sex were there for the same thing. We all needed each other to stay sober. We all had been humbled, beaten and defeated by something beyond our control. We were all the same on the inside; we were forced to see beyond the outside. I have tried to teach my children to look into others, to see that we all have similar needs and not get stuck on outside appearances.” My mom, also a recovering alcoholic said essentially the same thing. The most concrete example of what has shaped my tolerance comes from my grandmother. She is a small, hearty woman; quick to laugh, and quick to bake a pie. While living with her when my family was between homes, we went to the store together to gather ingredients for one of her delicious apple pies. We went along joking and laughing. I always had a question about everything and everything provoked a question. We were passing down the bread aisle when a black man entered the aisle from the other end. Now this in itself was not a rare occurrence, but I had heard in school that day from on of my friends that black people smelled really bad; his father had told him so. So, I held my breath as we walked by. My grandmother noticed the pause in my endless stream of questions and the slight bluish tinge to my face. Naturally she was curious. When I let out my breath and greedily sucked in more air, she asked me why I held my breath. I told her of the school day and my slightly rebellious stomach and that I didn’t want to chance smelling the black man. She laughed long and loud, we elicited more that a few looks, and I though she was about to burst, “E” she said (she called me E for short), “People do not smell based on the color of their skin, you shouldn’t lump everyone in a category, take each as a separate part.” I had not fully realized the meaning of the words until later, but the way she said them made them stick with me.

As a human sponge, I have absorbed many opinions in my lifetime; my love of books from my father, and my fear of damaging them from my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Hilflicker. I have learned tolerance at my mothers knee and from the laughter of my kindly grandmother.

Stormy Weather

Its’ terrifying and just down right scary. I have been trying to inform myself lately about the governments’ goings on and I have nightmares about it. These people that are responsible for our lives and or money are idiots. Oh and they also seem to think we are idiots and don’t notice. Believe me if I am paying attention then there is definitely something wrong.

I think I could do a better job than what they are doing and I can’t even keep myself financially afloat. After reading a friends blog about how the government wants us to spend to help the economy I now know why I got a car loan. We can’t afford the payments now I am not working but alls good, here take this loan you need it.

Then of course you have the credit card nightmare to tend with also. And it is awful how quickly you get back into debt. But it’s not on frivolous things unless you call groceries and doctor appt.s frivolous.

Must be nice for these financial people that make millions of dollars a year, the government is going to bail them out and pay them too boot to figure out how to fix it. Where do I sign up for that job?

I think we need to fire hose the government and put everything to a vote by people that are really getting affected by this mess.

So we try to cut back and do without and use what we got and hopefully stay alive.
And I hope some day I can see how, '”Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain”, I like dancing.

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Funky F&*$ing Funk

I hate myself. I wish I could get some consistency in my life,
just a little would be nice. One day I am full of confidence
and feel good about what I have accomplished then I crash and burn for a few days and start all over again. Believe me its not very helpful when I am in the middle of having to find a job and be 12 places at once.

One thing I do know is that I function much better when I have someplace to go everyday. Some purpose to fulfill. It helps me push through, most of the time, the physical pain I feel on a daily basis. But it is getting harder and harder the older I get and the more ingrained it becomes.

I know that it is a fact that if it wasn’t for a few good friends and that I have 5 people depending on me most of the time I would have died a long time ago from drinking too much or suicide. But even sometimes that isn’t enough and I fall harder each time it happens.

I am fucking, excuse my language, 47 years old and really haven’t had a long term job or been able to support myself. I seem to always need to be rescued and it sucks. Imagine what that does for my self esteem.

Perfect example is I have 5 hoofed animals out in the barn just feet from my house and I can’t seem to find the time or energy to enjoy something that makes me feel good. I have had most of them for 10 years now and can count on my fingers and toes how many times I have had the gumption to saddle up and ride. It’s frustrating. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I try and schedule and plan and then I crash and it goes down the drain. Am I destine to bounce off the walls for the rest of my life?

Well for today I am going to try and appease my guilt over missing my youngest first football game but replace it with feeling guilty spending money on the dogs for the shots they need that I could be getting free today at a rabies clinic. If I go to the clinic I will miss her second game in a row so I made a choice and will take them to the cheap vet in town for the shots and spend money that we definitely don’t have. But it will all be worth it for the look on her face when she realizes I am there when she didn't think I was coming.

I need to fix the funk before the funk fixes me.

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Bone tired, I am bone tired. I got called at 6am to sub today and it’s been run, run, run since then. Straight from work to Sara’s swim meet only to be frustrated because she is frustrated with the progress with her back or lack there of. I don’t know what to do. I will do what I have to but she wants it better now because it’s messing up her swim season. She is mad that she went to the chiropractor in the first place, that she could have lived with the spasm in her back, I think not. But hindsight is a pain in the butt. Should of could of drives me crazy.

I got home and realized I hadn’t talked to Ian all day today only to find he has been sick all day with the flu. This is when the distance really tears at my heart. I am not there to take care of him. He is better to night and thinks its just a 24 hour bug thing. I guess I will find out on Saturday when we go down for family day.

So I am off to bed and wake up tomorrow and try to solve the problems of a bad back and the flu. Oh and maybe world peace and the economy while I am at it. And win the lottery so I can fix all of these things without sinking into further debt. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa. Help, off to bed.

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NAHS

I spent the morning on Friday with my oldest daughter. We have some interesting conversations when it’s just the two of us.

She is a member of the National Arts Honor Society and needs to figure out a community service project to do. She doesn’t want to do just any project, she wants to do something that the community needs and that will help beautify it.

The conversation developed into what the area needs and what she would be able to do. She was saying that kids should be able to access some kind of art program at an earlier age. Our conversation moved to how wouldn’t it be wonderful to win the lottery and be able to start a community center for kids to go and do things such as art classes, help with homework or just a safe place to hang out and get help if needs be. So we are still trying to figure out what she can do. I told her to check with the village and town to see if they had any needs that would meet what she was trying to do so we shall see how it works out.

Art and swimming are like breathing to her. She is cranky when she doesn’t do both. She missed a week of swimming and was frustrated at the meet on Saturday with her time in the 500. She said her goal is to do 5:17 by the end of her senior year and she feels she should be farther along in that goal. The goal is still attainable she has time I told her maybe 2 swim camps this summer.

Goals are good. Work hard to achieve and be proud of your accomplishments no matter how close or far you come.

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B +

I just received a text from Ian. He got a B+ on his first English paper. It was the highest in the class and the teacher asked him what his major was. Ian responded that it was English and the teacher said good because if it wasn’t he would have strongly suggested it.

I knew he would blossom in college, that his writing would be appreciated there more so than in high school. Don’t get me wrong he had great English teachers in high school but Ian has a unique way of writing that they didn’t seem to get or appreciate.

So here is a great bit WOOT out to Ian for a job well done. Wish I could have seen the look on his face.

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I missed it. Megan’s first really football game. Her first tackle. I was wasting my time taking a test that was beyond stupid. Or I’m beyond stupid haven’t figured it out yet. Okay it was the test.

I hate missing things like that. I know I can’t be every where all the time but I try. It’s important to me to be there for my kids all the time or at least most of the time. But as time draws on and I haven’t been able to find a job that would allow me to be there for the kids I am getting closer and closer to having to take what I can get which means working for a company that needs you to be able to work when ever they need you.

I have entered into a funk brought on by pressure financially, family & the chronic pain I can’t seem to manage lately. Oh and the days are getting shorter and this is never a good time of year for me as it is.

So I am doing what I can to feel like I am doing what I can. I updated my resume and I am going to fill out another sub application for another school district to broaden my pool of days worked. And just keep treading water.

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football football all i see is football

For someone who doesn’t care for football I seem to be spending a lot of time going to football games. Sean had his game last night away against a team that is in another division than ours. They are class A we are Class C so you can imagine what happens when ever our boys match up with this team. Plus I think most of them should have graduated or take steroids or both. They held on and almost won it. The final score was 33 to 28. Not to shabby for a Class C team that they should have buried. They were amazing. Sean ended up playing most of the game on both offence and defense. And he wondered why he wasn’t feeling right this morning.

The varsity team showed up around the 2nd quarter with a sign and cheers to encourage the boys. They are a crazy bunch but I am sure it was a great boost and encouragement for the JV’s.

I am getting an education in football terminology, penalties, different types of tackles and what the signs the ref does on the field mean. I am also one of the louder parents screaming and cheering the boys on. I still flinch every time one of the boys gets hit hard or goes down but its not so bad now.

To another football game tonight to watch the varsity team and Sean march with the marching band. I am going to start seeing footballs in my sleep.

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My oldest daughter can be very difficult at times but she can also be very amazing a lot of the time. We spent this morning together because I had to take her back to the chiropractor because the visit on Monday caused some rebound pain and she hasn’t been able to swim all week. We were early for the appointment so she let me read the paper she wrote for English class. The teacher gave her a 95 and noted that it was a college level paper. She is also doing an amazing comic strip for chemistry as a way of answering a data question that they did earlier this week. She is very talented in many
ways.

She was concerned because I haven’t been going to the chiropractor on a regular basis because we just can’t afford it right now but we were both in such bad shape I made the appt. for us both on Monday. Her trip is ending up to be 3 by next Friday. She feels bad about the money. I feel bad that she feels bad about the things she needs yet how often does she not ask because she thinks it’s too much. I told her that her health is the most important thing and that we would work it out. She needs to swim like all people need to breath.

So from now on I am going to keep my mouth shut about the money or lack of it. I didn’t realize how much my mouth flaps about things and how the people around me take it. Duct tape will be my friend.

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Testing Testing

I took the first part of my clerk
typist Wednesday and got an
85. Not bad for an old lady. I
can't remember what I got the
last time I took this test 3 years
or so ago but I think it was in the
high seventies. Today is the typing
part of the test and I know I will do
better this time on that part. All
I did at my other job was type.
I then have another test for another
county job title on Saturday morning
so my brain should be hurting.
I did notice more confidence this time
while taking the test and I was
smart and went back and checked
my answers unlike last time.

So I am off too type.
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Football Lady GRRRRRRRRR

Megan played her first game/scrimmage on Tuesday, football for those who don’t know, and she actually got to play. They had 3 teams there and they played half the field and each team rotated in and out on both ends of the field. She was in for at least 12 plays or so. One play she almost got a tackle but the kid broke it and ran for a touch down. Then she got knocked on her butt by a boy 2 feet taller and 50 pounds heavier than her but she got right back up. It was a rough time for her but she hung in there. A gentleman said as we were passing on our way to the car that he admired my daughter and that it took a lot of guts to go out there and play. I agree.

She has been experiencing these lovely cramps that we took her to the hospital about a month ago thinking it was her appendix. She was home the day before the game and they were a little better the next day but still there. We have entered into the don’t want to go to school phase again and I told her ovulating isn’t any reason to miss school and we need to figure out how to minimize these episodes in the future because this is unfortunately her life from now on. She hasn’t even started her period yet so weeeeee for her. I don’t want to take my 12 year old to the gynecologist but I may have too.

Saturday is her first official game and hopefully the sick feeling I had on Tuesday along with the panic attacks will maybe not be as bad but I doubt it. At least I think I will have moral support this time because Sean and Dave will be there rooting for her also.

Stay tuned……………………………….

Welcome Mat

Okay so the theme of the month is taking in strays. We have a friend of Sara’s that has been staying with us for 3 weeks now. Her parents are let’s say interesting people and they got into a fight once again but instead of being mentally abused and giving in Sara’s friend left. They gave the normal do it or leave speech and this time she took them up on the leave part. No complaints here she is a sweet, polite young lady and good for Sara. Sara has been doing her home work and not wandering around the town as much.

So if my 16 year old daughter left the house from a fight I am thinking I would be looking to find out where she was and showing up at the door and try to work things out. Well this young ladies parents have called her 2 times in the last 3 weeks and only to fight and reminder her its all her fault.
It breaks my heart that anybody can be giving the gift of a child and that there are some many that abuse that gift.

My dilemma now is where I go from here. There are a lot of long term issues that will need to be addressed if this is to go on for much longer. Its hard to know where the line is and how to deal with it.

I can’t keep going out and getting replacement children when one leaves for college haha. We jokingly sent Ian a picture the second day she was here and said we have replaced him not realizing at that point it would be this long.

Well I can not complain that life is not interesting around here.

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Kitten UpDate

Update on the cat situation. The deal fell through with the friends grandma so he stayed an extra day till I could convince my mother in law to once again take a cat for us. It didn’t take much convincing. She is a cat person and she saw a picture of this cat and it reminded her of a cat she had a while back. So Andy Cat has been at grammas for three days now and seems to be fitting in just fine. He even was cause for some funny stories to be told for years to come.

One of those stories is funny but even funnier if you know my father in law well. She didn’t tell Al about the cat so he got home from work and was coming up the stairs to talk to her and saw the kitten in the chair. The cat they have is grey and this one is mostly white. He looked down into the chair and asked her if she painted the cat. Oh my gosh too funny. So of course after she stopped laughing she said no it’s a kitten and he asked who’s kitten and she said ours I think.

Megan is of course mad as hell at me and is even madder that grammas not calling the cat Garbonzo. I felt a little guilty until this morning when at 6:30am I was cleaning out the cat pan of our present cat that should have been cleaned 2 weeks ago.

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So much for sleeping in today. If
I could literally sleep walk out to
the barn to feed the horses at
6:30 am I would be able to go back
to bed and fall back asleep.

If I thought yesterday was an
emotional roller coast today
could turn out to be not as bad
for me but for someone else in
the house.

After the football game Friday
night Megan and I were walking
to the car minding our own
business when appeared a cute
kitten about 6 months old. It was
a friendly little guy rubbing on our
legs and purring up a storm. Seems
he knew all the tricks.

We walk toward are car and said
cat follows us then heads toward the
road. Several times I picked it up
placed it under some pine trees in
the yard and went toward the car.
All this time Megan was being no help
and just kept asking please, please,
please can we take it home its going
to get hit by a car. Said no, no, no,
get in the car.

So doesn’t that cat pull the show
stopper and the deal clincher in
front of us, He goes bolting across
the road to see some other people walking
down the street and almost gets hit not
once but 3 times.

Guess where the cat is?
I was having flash backs to a earlier
little girl who had the same strong
feelings about lost creatures and
brought several home in my many
years of childhood. I agreed to
bring the cat home on the expecta-
tion that it is not staying and we
will find its owner or if no owner
a home.

She named it and its staying in her
room but it is still going and it is
going to be hard for her to let go.

We can’t keep it. I have 2 dogs and
a barn cat that need medical care
some way or another. I have a
horse that I have had and loved
for 10 years now that has a tumor
growing in her throat and needs to
see the vet and I can’t afford to
do either right now.

I think we have found a home
already with the grandma of one
of Megan’s friends so I told her
she will see the cat often just in
someone else’s house.

Today I hope I don’t scar her for
life but today I hope she also learns
a lesson of life and grows from it.

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Ian the Man on Campus

We arrived at the campus and

Sara was asking if I wanted to

get the stuff we brought Ian out

of the car and I saw him walking

toward us on the sidewalk.

Gee guess what I did?

A. Got the stuff out of the car

Or

B. Ran like a mad woman down

the sidewalk to hug my boy

and cry.

If you guess B you win a

concrete bike with square

wheels. Sorry inside joke.

And for people who know Ian

well this next question they

should know the answer to

What was the first thing he

asked us to do?

A. Play a game of cards or

B. Go to Dunkin Donuts for

blueberry bagels with

plain cream cheese.

If you said B again you are

dead on. I don't think we even

had been out of the car more

then 5 minutes before he asked.

The rest of the visit was running

around getting his room food

restocked, picking up a few things

he had forgotten and a tour of the

campus for Sara. Then it was time

to leave. It was fantastic to see him

but I had to revisit what I felt the

last time I walked away without him.

But unfortunately I wasn't as brave

this time and had to walk away

quickly.

Sara tried to reassure me

which really I didn't need. I saw a

young man still a little lost in a new

environment but someone who has

in only 3 weeks changed.

I told her I know he is fine

its my stuff. I said I love my kids

too much if that is possible and it

is hard to let go.

So once again I am physically

and emotionally drained and hope

that it won't take as long this time

to adjust. And keep telling myself

its only 2 more weeks till I get to

see him again.

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Today I get to go see Ian!

I am very excited and was

hardly able to sleep last

night.

He called on Wed.

and said he felt for sure

now that he has ADD.

Now that he isn't in

a familiar environment

he is finding it really

difficult to ignore and

step around.

I have known this for

years. Both he and his

sister have it I know be-

cause I have struggled with

it for my whole life without

any help. I pursued the

road of trying to get them

help and get them tested

and all I got was they are

smart kids just lazy. With

Sara I was finally able to at

least test her but she of

course scored above level

in most everything only

because she is so smart and

has learned to compensate.

I am very proud of Ian for

facing up to it now only 3

weeks into college instead of

ignoring it till he flunked out

the first semester. He is growing

up and realizing he needs to

take care of himself.

So my trip is two fold, I get to

see Ian which I have wanted to

do since he left and deliver a

prescription from his doctor that

will help him, I hope for $100

a month, to focus so he can

begin to change his way of

studying, and living to make

it easier for him to function.

I spoke with a friend of mine

who is the head of the CSE

office in the school district I

sub in and she was a wealth

of information that I can pass

on to Ian to point him in the

direction he needs to seek the

help.

So hopefully I will leave him

once again after our visit

knowing he will be fine and

set to push forward and fix

his first major crisis on his

own.

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FOOTBALL HAS BEGUN

In keeping with trying to be

a good football mom I am

working on toughing up

my attitude. So I have

got a new slogan, "Laugh and

the world Laughs with you

cry and your mother says

Suck it Up Cupcake." Is it

working?

Sean had his first game

yesterday and I still don't

get it. Especially when a

child from the other team

went down with what turned

out to be cracked ribs and

it took the freaking ambulance

10 minutes to get there. I have

warned my 2 football players

that I will be down on the field

the nano second I realize you

are not getting up. Sorry.

So here's to the first game under

my belt and hoping that I get it

and if not I will go and root on

my football players anyway.

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Varsity Football even makes me cry and they Won!!!

I had another Ian moment tonight.

We went to the Varsity Football

game and I was fine until the team

came out on the field and I had to

leave. I was able to make it to the

car and spent about 45 minutes or

so crying. I had to pull myself together

so I could go back and watch Sean in

the marching band at half time. They

did awesome by the way.

I really feel like a duck out of water

at these events. I know a lot of

people in our town but still the social

part of it is difficult. I can't just go up

and sit with a friend because they are

with other people I don't know as well

and I don't want to intrude. I know I

wouldn't be intruding but its hard for

me to jump in and feel apart. I do better

with the kids and have fun talking to them.

Well I am emotionally and physically spent

and I don't even get to sleep in for my

Birthday tomorrow. Sean has his first

game and we are off to Geneseo to watch.

Hopefully they will be as successful as the

Varsity team who won 55 to 20.

ttfn

Happy Birthday to Me OMG I'm Middle Aged

Tomorrow is my 47th birthday. I remember being in my teens and twenties and thinking man 40 is old. Its amazing how our perspective changes as we get older. I was talking to my husband, because amazingly we see each other lately, about how I don't think or act much different than I did back then. The only difference is the way my body feels. For my birthday present to myself I finally made a chiropractor appt. for myself. I usually go once a month, I haven't been since I think May. I am suffering.

Its also the first birthday that Ian won't be here. Its getting a little better but it still is crazy how I miss him so much. Well no it isn't but you would think after 2 weeks it would back off some. My friend Barb said yea the feelings never go away you just have to push through them. I'm trying.

I have football tomorrow morning as the start of my day and then my husband said he is taking me to Friendlys. FRIENDLYs you are taking ME to Friendlys I said. Its a joke around here he has taken each of our children out to eat at Friendlys at some point in time but never me. I feel special.

The first week of school is over and everybody survived for the most part. Next week I have to buckle down and work hard to look for a job. I have the two tests one on the 17th and one on the 20th to get on lists for civil service jobs so hopefully something will come from that. And of course I am hoping that the subbing works out so I don't have to worry about.

Off to things to do, places to go, things to do.

ttfn

Day 2

ummmmm!

Is it working? I guess it helped

this morning a little. I didn't

yell and scream even when they

missed the bus. I can hear

their bus driver for the past 6 years

laughing about those O'Briens

already missing the bus. See it

was an almost daily occurrence for at

least 1 if not all children to miss the bus.

The driver is nice for the first few weeks

slows down and honks but then she

won't even stop if she doesn't see

anyone outside. The kids are

outraged, I don't blame her at all.

I was calm and even made them eggs

and toast for breakfast. The oldest

daughter it seems is stressed out

because of who knows what because

she won't say and she is sick of

her younger siblings fighting

all the time. Its only the second

day of school and she is miserable.

I told her last night that I am

trying not to freak out about the

little things and that I am trying

to get the other two to stop but

I also am under a little bit of

stress myself and I am sorry. I don't

want to say anything to belittle her

situation and piss her off even more

but by doing what she is doing she is

adding stress around here. So is she

the only one allowed to freak out

and show stress related behavior?

I don't know how to fix it and

I don't know how to answer that

question.

I hate to see her go

through another miserable year of

school but it isn't showing signs of

happening. I wish I could find her

a class that teaches how to socialize

and make friends. She has always had

a hard time doing that sometimes

resorting to behaviors to fit in that

in the long run make things even worse.

I have sent her to counseling but she only

tells the therapist what they want to hear

and they are charmed by her and nothing

changes. She needs to want the help for

anything to happen. I am trying hard

not to let past experiences control me

in the way I handle her. She is she and I

am I.

She has lost 3 of the people she

would usually share with

and I know that is hard for her.

So I will sit back and wait for her

to tell me what is up or till she

falls apart. I wish it was

different but I remember being

a teenage girl and how everything

felt like the end of the world. Hasn't

changed in 30 odd years.

ttfn

I wish life was a beach

I wanna go back.

A new school year has begun

and the first day of school is

always pretty easy because

you start the new year with

the plan to have everything

packed the night before so all

one has to do is get up, eat

breakfast, get dressed and

catch the bus. I am going to

try and make sure that is the

case for more then a week this

year.

Mornings around here every

year are less than pleasant.

But I am hoping now that

Megan is playing a sport it

will be the beginning of peace

in the morning. Hey it worked

for Sara. I can only hope sports

does the same for meg.

Now I just have to figure out

how to pay for lunches this year.

We usually qualify for reduced

which is only a quarter. But it

looks as though being short one

kid living at home we won't.

That's $2 a kid a day. I guess

it will be a lot of PBJ's in their

futures.

The hubby and I are going to

enjoy the first morning of no

kids until I hopefully start

getting calls for subbing. I

know I won't hear this week

and probably next week but

after that I am hoping. It better

be we are sinking with school

supplies etc. I don;t wanna

have to go to Tops where i

would miss most of the kids

games and meets. Its too

important to me.

Things to do, places to go,

poop to shovel.

ttfn

letting go and feeling shredded!

First week without a job. The

picture shows one of the parts of

the job I no longer have. And

right now its also a good view

of how I feel. Shredded and

shoved into an air tight bag.

I was having a conversation

with my hubby last night

about how we were doing

adjusting to Ian being away.

Dave has had the urge to

jump in the car and drive to

Fredonia 3 times so I don't

feels so bad its been 5 for

me. Especially after talking

to Ian yesterday and he isn't

feeling well and I can't tell

what's up because I can't see

his handsome face. This letting

go stuff is tough.

Hopefully with a new school

year starting tomorrow with

all that goes along with it and

possibly subbing a few days a

week it will get easier.

ttfn

Happy Labor Day

It started with a family cookout

we had corn, salt potatoes, steak

cooked to perfection on the grill.

That's because I was cooking.

Sorry hon.

Then another balloon launch

and a fabulous sunset to end

"summer".

My husband got the campfire

going with one match I have to

mention and no gasoline involved.

Even the kids were impressed

because he usually uses gas some

boy scout. As much as my oldest

daughter hemmed and hawed about

ewww family time shoot me now

we all had some nice conversations

around the camp fire. The only

bad thing was I forgot the smores.

Oh well.

School starts in one more day and

the new year of craziness shall begin.

A start with a lot of major changes that

if they don't kill me will make me

stronger. Only 3 kids to get off to school

this year and finding a job soon very soon.

I miss my baby boy but he is now getting

himself up for school and everything else

in his life. I am proud of how well he is

adjusting to his new world.

So I will enjoy my few more days of

"freedom" and trudge forward hopefully

not into a sinking pit of goo.

ttfn