I hate myself. I wish I could get some consistency in my life,
just a little would be nice. One day I am full of confidence
and feel good about what I have accomplished then I crash and burn for a few days and start all over again. Believe me its not very helpful when I am in the middle of having to find a job and be 12 places at once.
One thing I do know is that I function much better when I have someplace to go everyday. Some purpose to fulfill. It helps me push through, most of the time, the physical pain I feel on a daily basis. But it is getting harder and harder the older I get and the more ingrained it becomes.
I know that it is a fact that if it wasn’t for a few good friends and that I have 5 people depending on me most of the time I would have died a long time ago from drinking too much or suicide. But even sometimes that isn’t enough and I fall harder each time it happens.
I am fucking, excuse my language, 47 years old and really haven’t had a long term job or been able to support myself. I seem to always need to be rescued and it sucks. Imagine what that does for my self esteem.
just a little would be nice. One day I am full of confidence
and feel good about what I have accomplished then I crash and burn for a few days and start all over again. Believe me its not very helpful when I am in the middle of having to find a job and be 12 places at once.
One thing I do know is that I function much better when I have someplace to go everyday. Some purpose to fulfill. It helps me push through, most of the time, the physical pain I feel on a daily basis. But it is getting harder and harder the older I get and the more ingrained it becomes.
I know that it is a fact that if it wasn’t for a few good friends and that I have 5 people depending on me most of the time I would have died a long time ago from drinking too much or suicide. But even sometimes that isn’t enough and I fall harder each time it happens.
I am fucking, excuse my language, 47 years old and really haven’t had a long term job or been able to support myself. I seem to always need to be rescued and it sucks. Imagine what that does for my self esteem.
Perfect example is I have 5 hoofed animals out in the barn just feet from my house and I can’t seem to find the time or energy to enjoy something that makes me feel good. I have had most of them for 10 years now and can count on my fingers and toes how many times I have had the gumption to saddle up and ride. It’s frustrating. And I have no one to blame but myself.
I try and schedule and plan and then I crash and it goes down the drain. Am I destine to bounce off the walls for the rest of my life?
Well for today I am going to try and appease my guilt over missing my youngest first football game but replace it with feeling guilty spending money on the dogs for the shots they need that I could be getting free today at a rabies clinic. If I go to the clinic I will miss her second game in a row so I made a choice and will take them to the cheap vet in town for the shots and spend money that we definitely don’t have. But it will all be worth it for the look on her face when she realizes I am there when she didn't think I was coming.
I need to fix the funk before the funk fixes me.
ttfn
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