As the Sun Slowly Sets In The West....

Summer is drawing to a close and the mad rush to get ready for school has begun. Megan had her 6th grade/middleschool orientation last night. She found her locker and had to try it 10 times to make sure she could open it. I showed her where everything was, since I have had 3 kids go through ahead of her. She stated as we were leaving that she doesn't want to go to middle school. Give it a week and she will love the variety of it all. She is one of my kids that doesn't like it when things change a lot. Little changes are okay but not big ones. She is already upset and obsessing over her big brother leaving for college next fall. My little worry wart. She wanted to go with us this past weekend to look at colleges to make sure the places were good enough for her brother. Its gonna be a toss up which female in this house will miss Ian most.

Ian and I had a whirl wind weekend looking at 2 colleges and seeing some of the sites of Boston. We had some adventures with riding the train and the weather was sooooo hot but we still managed to get a lot in in such a short time. He loves both places so now we have to apply to his 5 choices and go from there. He has his first football game on Friday. It amazes me that he stuck to it. It is really tough the first few weeks with double sessions but he loves it. He loves the acceptance of being on a team being one of the guys. For that reason I am glad he did it. He is so much more happy when involved in something be it football, swimming or one of the plays.

I took Sara yesterday to talk to the head doctor and have her give us an opinion as to what is going on with her. Her moods have been off the charts these past few weeks and everybody around her is suffering the wrath. Swimming usually is a pick me up for her but the meanness of the girls on the team coupled with Sara's personality has made it not as much fun this year. Teenage girls can be such asses. I just want to grab them and slap them. The doctor gave her something to help her sleep and a mood leveler so only time will tell. I love her so much it hurts to see her have to suffer so much and I want to do everything within my power to help her.

Sean's practices for football have just started and he is happier this year because he worked out all summer in some form or another and he started with the rest of the team this year. Last year he missed the first week of practices and never caught up. He says he will be a starter on the defensive line so I will be attending a lot of football games oh weeeee. Go Mustangs!!!

As for me I still don't know if I have a job or not. I have a bad feeling that its a not. So I will be hunting for a new job and have to find one asap. I am still not 100% but hope by next week when everybody is back in school and I will not be running all over kingdom come it will be better. So I am off for my 4th trip down the hill today to take Ian to practice. It was 9 trips yesterday.
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I am facing a big ugly monster. It stays buried for longer periods of time then something or someone lets its out to reek havoc. I have a family history of bipolar and it is raising itself into the light again. My oldest brother finally after 47 years has gotten a handle on it and is happier than he has ever been in his life. My other brother is just starting to realize gee maybe something is wrong and has started in therapy. Mine has been around but not as bad because I am just to darn busy with the kids to be down. The manic episodes come in really handy when raising kids. Well now my oldest daughter is showing signs of the same stuff I went through as a teen/early twenty. Add that to regular teen stuff and it can get dangerous. She is a risk taker and I am afraid she will damage herself before we figure this out. But unlike my past when the parental units swept it under the rug and ignored the signs and let me self destruct I am hopefully a little more aware than that. She is back in therapy and being evaluated. She will get the help she needs before she is 40 and if it turns out to be just anxiety which don't get me wrong is just as bad then we will take care of that too.

It is so easy to take care of everybody else around you and not yourself. I fear when all children have flown the nest and I just have me that I will be in serious trouble. I have had a lot of time on my hands this summer being unable to do much of anything but sit and think and obsess. I have to break through the fear that is holding me back from doing things to improve my life and do it soon. I started by applying for a new job. It would be working with kids again and in the same school that I worked in a few years back. The job I have been on leave from all summer was killing what brain cells I have left. It would mean a cut in pay but more hours. But it would be working around kids and adults and not stuck in a basement with a passive aggressive boss and nobody but my files. Only time will tell if I get it or not update to follow.

Ian and I leave on Thursday for Boston. He is looking at 2 colleges there and is very excited about the trip. I am looking forward to spending quality time with just him and I something that rarely happens for us these days. I am just hoping that I am physically up to this trip but I won't know till we go I guess. The emptying of the nest starts next fall. Deep breath.

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Well I didn't update on Thursday after my surgery but the following Thursday, I didn't specify. I will never again listen to doctors or people that say oh its not a big deal you will be out walking the dog the next day. NOT. I can't even imagine what the people that don't have this surgery with the scope thing and are cut wide open. I am still hurting a week later and I only have 4 openings of various sizes on my belly. I have really come to respect muscles in a new way after months of experiencing the pain cause by them being cut and put back together. I have an awe for my older sister who had her hysterectomy and tummy tuck how did she survive that pain, no way I would have offed myself. I got the staples taken out today and have at least another 10 to 14 days before I can resume regular stuff and a month before feeling all together. I am done for the next decade at least.

I was looking in the mirror a few days after my surgery and realized how much you can see when you look into someones eyes. They mirror very well the state of being. I guess I have noticed it before but not as intensely as the past few months.

Well I am off to cart another child down the hill for yet another sports practice. I didn't miss the many trips I made everyday for them. My husband almost went crazy filling in for me. I think he is happy I can once again drive.
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Let the baby go!!

I let my baby go on her first long distance bike ride with her sister today. And I shall bite my nails till they return. They both just got new bikes for the summer and Sara especially has been riding hers all over the place. Megan pretty much has stuck around the house because its her first bike with the ability to change gears. So they asked if they could ride down to town and get Ice Cream then if Megan handled herself well they are headed to Stony Brook Park to go swimming. It is nice and quiet here with just the big kid playing on the computer so I am trying to enjoy the peace and quiet and resist the urge to drive down town to check on them. I know they will be fine and I need to let go. It will be good practice for when my oldest leaves for college in a little over a year from now.

Ian and I are going to look at a few colleges in the Boston area at the end of this month. I think it will just be he and I so we can spend some much missed alone time together. We had talked about maybe combining the trip with a short visit to Maine and taking everybody but the two of us sounds much better. I miss the talks and snuggles we used to have when he was procrastinating going to bed at night. And now he is working I hardly ever see him and if I do it to say good night because he is so whipped from his day. And he is starting football practice week after work is over so I will never see him. So this will be a good chance for us to hang and spend quality time together. The husband and I had wanted the kids to pick a college close to home for their first year just in case they have the crash and burn syndrome hit but Boston is okay and a few other places away from home because there are people near enough that I would trust with my child's life so it won't be so bad. I still will be freaking come this time next year but we will be prepared, right?

Yesterday was a nice reprieve from the heat but unfortunately it didn't sick around its hot and humid again today. We got a lot done in the pasture removing burdock bushes from about half of it and was going to finish up today but grrrrrr not. I was hoping to accomplish it before my next adventure in body part removal on Wednesday. I tried to do way to much yesterday and I am paying for it today. Which in part is a good think because if I wasn't in so much pain I might have gone out there myself today and tried to finish it up. I haven't been very good since returning from camp and my doctors appt on Tuesday she said some people just heal slower and I was still pretty raw but healing fine. Then she asked me if I had been having sex and I almost choked. UM NO FREAKING WAY!!!! Don't normal very often and sure as hell not when I have stitches down there. Geesh.

I have to venture out to the barn and check water troughs and horses. Hopefully it has cooled off a little. Update hopefully on Thursday.

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