I am facing a big ugly monster. It stays buried for longer periods of time then something or someone lets its out to reek havoc. I have a family history of bipolar and it is raising itself into the light again. My oldest brother finally after 47 years has gotten a handle on it and is happier than he has ever been in his life. My other brother is just starting to realize gee maybe something is wrong and has started in therapy. Mine has been around but not as bad because I am just to darn busy with the kids to be down. The manic episodes come in really handy when raising kids. Well now my oldest daughter is showing signs of the same stuff I went through as a teen/early twenty. Add that to regular teen stuff and it can get dangerous. She is a risk taker and I am afraid she will damage herself before we figure this out. But unlike my past when the parental units swept it under the rug and ignored the signs and let me self destruct I am hopefully a little more aware than that. She is back in therapy and being evaluated. She will get the help she needs before she is 40 and if it turns out to be just anxiety which don't get me wrong is just as bad then we will take care of that too.

It is so easy to take care of everybody else around you and not yourself. I fear when all children have flown the nest and I just have me that I will be in serious trouble. I have had a lot of time on my hands this summer being unable to do much of anything but sit and think and obsess. I have to break through the fear that is holding me back from doing things to improve my life and do it soon. I started by applying for a new job. It would be working with kids again and in the same school that I worked in a few years back. The job I have been on leave from all summer was killing what brain cells I have left. It would mean a cut in pay but more hours. But it would be working around kids and adults and not stuck in a basement with a passive aggressive boss and nobody but my files. Only time will tell if I get it or not update to follow.

Ian and I leave on Thursday for Boston. He is looking at 2 colleges there and is very excited about the trip. I am looking forward to spending quality time with just him and I something that rarely happens for us these days. I am just hoping that I am physically up to this trip but I won't know till we go I guess. The emptying of the nest starts next fall. Deep breath.

ttfn