Its quiet!
Yesterday not so quiet!
Yesterday not so quiet!
But everybody is
still sleeping so it is a
false quiet.
The big bang yesterday
was fueled by the stress
of lack of money to even
buy groceries then the
mail came. Which confirmed
what I was afraid of I am not
getting a paycheck this week,
still sleeping so it is a
false quiet.
The big bang yesterday
was fueled by the stress
of lack of money to even
buy groceries then the
mail came. Which confirmed
what I was afraid of I am not
getting a paycheck this week,
that the larger than normal
check 2 weeks ago was it for
another 2 weeks. But......
in the mail were the two older
children's report cards. Does
the phrase by the skin of your
teeth mean anything. Most of
the finals/regents they got high
grade but the class grades in a few
of the classes were lets just say below
the passing mark. Thank goodness
the final test grades were so high
it helped them pass.
Ian's response to his fathers ravings
about how could you get a 50 in the
final marking period in the
subject your going to college for
(Sara got a 50 also from the same
teacher) was its done, over I graduated.
This only caused more steam to come
out of Dave's ears.
I understand Ian's response. He did
High School because he had to it
was mandatory but college is for him,
he is doing it for himself for his future.
I know, I know we have tried for his
whole public education to try and make
him see how much easier his college
years could be if he applied himself
but they hear and use what they are
going to hear and use and that's that.
I would like to think that between the
ages of 0 and 18 I have some control,
allow me my delusion. Full control can
be maintained on some children because
of the personality they are born with
and the parents ability to parent without
any garbage imposing itself from the past.
I am in the garbage imposing circle and so
is my husband. Most of his reaction to the
report cards were demons from his past
that he doesn't want our kids to have to
forge through. And most of our reactions
to the things, especially our older two
children seem to be doing, also get the
same reaction.
Sara wrote a letter a few weeks back
that was meant as a "I am going
check 2 weeks ago was it for
another 2 weeks. But......
in the mail were the two older
children's report cards. Does
the phrase by the skin of your
teeth mean anything. Most of
the finals/regents they got high
grade but the class grades in a few
of the classes were lets just say below
the passing mark. Thank goodness
the final test grades were so high
it helped them pass.
Ian's response to his fathers ravings
about how could you get a 50 in the
final marking period in the
subject your going to college for
(Sara got a 50 also from the same
teacher) was its done, over I graduated.
This only caused more steam to come
out of Dave's ears.
I understand Ian's response. He did
High School because he had to it
was mandatory but college is for him,
he is doing it for himself for his future.
I know, I know we have tried for his
whole public education to try and make
him see how much easier his college
years could be if he applied himself
but they hear and use what they are
going to hear and use and that's that.
I would like to think that between the
ages of 0 and 18 I have some control,
allow me my delusion. Full control can
be maintained on some children because
of the personality they are born with
and the parents ability to parent without
any garbage imposing itself from the past.
I am in the garbage imposing circle and so
is my husband. Most of his reaction to the
report cards were demons from his past
that he doesn't want our kids to have to
forge through. And most of our reactions
to the things, especially our older two
children seem to be doing, also get the
same reaction.
Sara wrote a letter a few weeks back
that was meant as a "I am going
camping for a few days to find myself
don't worry about me" letter but she
didn't go and Dave found the letter.
It turned out to be a catalyst for me
at least.
It was actually 3 separate letters one
to both of us, one to me and one to Dave.
I wish I could put the whole thing down but
it is 2 pages long so here it is in probably a
big nut shell. She starts by apologizing for
lying a few weeks back when she and Ian
went to a party instead of where they said
they would be. And then makes the point that
Ian is 18 and its time to let him learn his limits
before he leaves for college. I agree. I have
giving him all the advise and lessons I can, now
it is up to him, as Sara put it, fly or crash and
burn.
She then says "WE ARE NOT YOU". She admits
to drinking but not every day and not every time
its offered. We have always pounded into them that
they are cursed on both sides of the family, that
it is inherited, in their blood and that it is better
not to even drink. But would we have listened
when we were there age? "We must slip and fall
in life but making things seem bigger than they are
will only make us rebel."
She said a few things that hurt but they hurt only
because they were true. She says she has inherited
don't worry about me" letter but she
didn't go and Dave found the letter.
It turned out to be a catalyst for me
at least.
It was actually 3 separate letters one
to both of us, one to me and one to Dave.
I wish I could put the whole thing down but
it is 2 pages long so here it is in probably a
big nut shell. She starts by apologizing for
lying a few weeks back when she and Ian
went to a party instead of where they said
they would be. And then makes the point that
Ian is 18 and its time to let him learn his limits
before he leaves for college. I agree. I have
giving him all the advise and lessons I can, now
it is up to him, as Sara put it, fly or crash and
burn.
She then says "WE ARE NOT YOU". She admits
to drinking but not every day and not every time
its offered. We have always pounded into them that
they are cursed on both sides of the family, that
it is inherited, in their blood and that it is better
not to even drink. But would we have listened
when we were there age? "We must slip and fall
in life but making things seem bigger than they are
will only make us rebel."
She said a few things that hurt but they hurt only
because they were true. She says she has inherited
my "uncanny ability to put things aside" and her
fathers stubbornness and the two together are not
so great. OMG I am my mother...........
I just wish I could make her understand that I
do know what she is feeling way to well. She
said that she wanted to go camping to feel alone
instead of feeling alone around everybody. That she
wanted to paint and write and think and she "knows
it may not be the smartest plan but "I feels it right
at the moment and isn't that life following you heart,
your gut instinct, I don't do that very often".
We have always nurtured her dreams just look at
her room for an example. But I think I have been
guilty to the max of giving in to much, wanting hers,
their childhood to be better than mine. The proverbial
wishy washy parent. See were our paths differ is my
dreams, and desires were crushed and beatin out of me.
I have been long winded but this has been brewing in
me since 3 weeks ago but every time I sat down to write
I went blank (maybe trying once again to put it aside).
I have 2 other children that it isn't to late to change the
way I deal with life. (Not that I am giving up on the other
fathers stubbornness and the two together are not
so great. OMG I am my mother...........
I just wish I could make her understand that I
do know what she is feeling way to well. She
said that she wanted to go camping to feel alone
instead of feeling alone around everybody. That she
wanted to paint and write and think and she "knows
it may not be the smartest plan but "I feels it right
at the moment and isn't that life following you heart,
your gut instinct, I don't do that very often".
We have always nurtured her dreams just look at
her room for an example. But I think I have been
guilty to the max of giving in to much, wanting hers,
their childhood to be better than mine. The proverbial
wishy washy parent. See were our paths differ is my
dreams, and desires were crushed and beatin out of me.
I have been long winded but this has been brewing in
me since 3 weeks ago but every time I sat down to write
I went blank (maybe trying once again to put it aside).
I have 2 other children that it isn't to late to change the
way I deal with life. (Not that I am giving up on the other
two. ) I am sick of being stuck, the victim,
the what ever you want to call it. I need to figure out
what I need to change me to change the way things
work around here. I need to suck it up cupcake.
I have to let my children be children, to a point, and
trust that they will make smart decisions. I would
rather have an honest answer to where they are
going and let them know they can call me if needs
be then have the make up some thing and then
wonder if that is really what is happening. I tried it
the second way already and no matter how diligent
I was they found a way around it.
Well now I need to get back to avoiding the
question of where will I get money to pay for
all the things I have to pay for in the next few
weeks and go for a ride. That will be another
blog on pride all its own.
ttfn
the what ever you want to call it. I need to figure out
what I need to change me to change the way things
work around here. I need to suck it up cupcake.
I have to let my children be children, to a point, and
trust that they will make smart decisions. I would
rather have an honest answer to where they are
going and let them know they can call me if needs
be then have the make up some thing and then
wonder if that is really what is happening. I tried it
the second way already and no matter how diligent
I was they found a way around it.
Well now I need to get back to avoiding the
question of where will I get money to pay for
all the things I have to pay for in the next few
weeks and go for a ride. That will be another
blog on pride all its own.
ttfn
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