The most F@#$ing wonderful time of the year, yeah right.

Henry's birthday is coming up shortly he was

a Christmas baby. This time of year is tough

and it just got tougher.

I Still miss him a lot and still turn around and

expect him to be standing there or come out of

the bathroom expecting to trip over him.

I was going through pictures to post on face book

(my new addiction) and found this picture of

Henry as a puppy. He was such a little ball of

fur and looked like a bear cub.

I finally force myself to pull out the decorations last night.

I think it wasn't for Megan I probably would have passed this

year. The kids are older and I no longer have that overwhelming

urge to make it special. I know I should but it gets harder and harder.

Megan asked me if I liked Christmas and I said I do like especially the

music and spending time with family.

It is going to be another love Christmas I explained to her and the

others and they are OK with that but I still can't help feeling like

a failure as a parent and provider especially this time of year.

Too many monetary things on the plate right now with things that

are getting neglected that really need to be addressed and add

the "joy" of Christmas to it and bam.

I hate feeling this way I want to enjoy this time of year but

after so many years I am beginning to think that is an impossible

dream. So I will try and continue to make positive memories for

the kids like last nights movie, chicken wings and tree decorating with

Megan and muddle through.

Off to finish decorating and watching the rest of the movies

we rented.

Stay safe, stay warm, feel love!

TTFN