Door Open my A#$

This week should be the end of the house stress. We are hopefully closing on a new mortgage by the 30th. It was a long and stressful road to this point but the house looks good and we were able to get a "MUCH" better rate finally. But until the papers are signed there is still the fear of the other boot dropping, see I used boot instead of shoe, that's because shoes are small boots are big and that's usually what happens. The saying goes when a door closes life opens a window or another door. Our experience seems to be it opens a window barely and then slams a door in our face.
Until Dave can find another job we will still be struggling but not as desperately.

I am so tired of it all. This winter has been one ill after another for me. I can't remember any 2 days in a row that I haven;t been sick.I am finding it harder and harder to fight back and function as a person.It wouldn't be so bad if it was just me I had to worry about. I would just start drinking again and pretend like I use to that life was wonderful but I know that it isn't the same anymore so even that wouldn't work. My job which I thought couldn;t suck anymore than it already does does, my car is dieing and we still owe on it so we can't fix it or replace it,and my children have decided to be stupid once again.


A friend of mine wrote a blog about marriage and kids. She talked about surviving a long time marriage and wondering why we have kids.
It amazes me how she writes a blog and it so relates to my life at the time.The marriage part of the blog was food for thought. My husband and I have a pretty good marriage I feel maybe mostly because we sleep in separate spaces and hardly ever see each other. Just kidding we hardly ever fight but when we do its usually about money or the kids. The question of "Why did we have kids" was something we were just thinking if not saying last night. I don't know. I know I love them so much it hurts and I would do anything in the world for them. What is it inside of us that makes us feel and do the things we do for our kids. Well most of us. You trust them, think you have taken all the safety precautions to make sure they are doing what they say, where they say, and they blow the trust right out that closed window. Now if it were a friend or acquaintance you would be very angry and probably have a hard time talking to or associating with them any more. But with the kids you keep going back for more. It can't be the flesh and blood thing because I hardly ever talk to my brother and only when I have too ( that's a whole other story) so what is it.

I want my kids to have friends and be active and enjoy their lives but I also want to keep them safe. I know there are certain risks in any activity for everybody but when they purposely go out and do things they know they aren't suppose to and then think they will get away with it. Its been a while rebuilding the trust from the last dump ass stunt they pulled and my back is so full of stab wounds it isn't funny. We are at a lost as to how to punish them short of locks on their doors and only let out to go to school and bathroom.
And then the reactions of the indignity from especially my daughter like she doesn't deserve this and how can I even suggest she can't see someone ever again. And Ian, its his senior year and there are a lot of things going on how do we handle that.Sure he is going to be 18 soon and we could say okay boom your 18 its all yours but something tells me it won't work that way. Senior Ball is the first hurdle. Well hopefully when they return to school tomorrow after yet another day off from school, need i go into we hardly ever got days off from school, they won't find themselves off sports teams and no longer apart of the school musical.

I desperately need to figure out how to help myself before I go down and take everybody with me. It was suggested by my savior, my chiropractor, that I start taking care of myself before its too late especially health wise. I am not sure how to do that anymore. Or if I have the energy. She suggested another visit to the doctor and maybe therapy. I know she is right just wish I could find a doctor and a therapist that is as caring and listens as well as she does. It all comes down to energy. Of which I have none right now. The children just sapped the last of it last night. So I am off back to bed and hopefully make some phone calls later. And that the world will be okay tomorrow.

ttfn